Wednesday, May 27, 2009

TOP 10 REASONS MY PAPA HAS MY HEART






1. He never made fun of me for screaming in bloody murder at night terrorised by my imagination. Instead, he calmly checked every corner of my room for 3 headed monsters.

2. He taught me how to appreciate jazz and didn't kill me when I decided to use his priceless record collection as a sliding floor toy.

3. He has unspeakable warm light in his eyes. The same light that I find in my husband's eyes.

4. He confesses love for my mother daily and makes me nausiated with his talks of her "hotness". Once he promised me that he will drink himself to death if anything ever happened to her. He is so dramatically Russian.

5. When I left for America, he kept photo album of my pictures under his pillow and looked at them nightly to wish me good night..

6. He is never afraid to cry if he is moved by something.

7. He repeatedly makes a complete ass out of himself just to hear me crack up.

8. He makes the best steak that I have ever tasted.

9. He invented a phrase "There are no ugly women. There are just men without imagination". Sadly, he often said it to me.:)

10. He wears suspenders and misses two front teeth.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

TOP 10 THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE MY PERFECT STROLLER.



Since I live in NYC and walk constantly, the search for the perfect stroller has been not an easy one. So far I've had 5 strollers. The first one was the longest lived and a perfect shower gift from my dearest friend Cat. It was Kolcraft Contours options 4 wheeler and a dream stroller for a newborn. I still tear up thinking about it, but after I almost broke myself in a half dragging it down the subway stairs, it was time to sell. Since then our house went through a parade of strollers, each one RIP in the basement due to the lack of some very important feature. So, here is the list to accommodate my impossible fancy.



1. Light weight, preferably 8 pounds or less, like my new obsession and my next purchase MacLaren Volo 2009. (maybe they will send me a free one for mentioning it to my 5 readers):)
2. 5 point safety harness.
3. One hand fold.
4. Height adjustment handles due to my freakish height of 6'2".
5. Big, easy access basket for all the possible crap my kid might need on a 8 hour walk around the city. Yes, including a bath.:)
6. Good sun and rain coverage.
7. Beer...I mean a cup holder.
8. Shock absorbing wheels. This is New York people.
9. Reclining seat for her naps and my sanity.
10. Overall appearance that creates an instant jealousy in other parents.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

TOP 10 THINGS I PROMISE IF YOU CHOOSE ME TO BE YOUR 'MOM BFF".





1. Unlimited use of my Tuscany like backyard.
2. Generous complimenting on your baby weight loss and overall appearance.
3. Cold beer upon your arrival.
4. Support for the moments that you want to return your kid back to the hospital.
5. Babysitting, when you need alone time with your man or yourself.
6. Luck of judgement on your parenting style.
7. Unlimited amount of harmless gossip.
8. Free swimming lessons. (Believe me, I AM the best.)
9. Access to 8263487236 toys that my daughter has.
10. Assurance that I am more clueless than you are about this whole parenting thing.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

TOP 10 CRITERIAS TO BE MY NEW "MOM BFF"




In light of my recent loss of the only and the dearest "mom BFF" Pam (see above) to Canada move, I am in search of impossible replacement...Here are some tough criterias. 


1. You have to tolerate my obnoxious, self centered and overbearing personality.
2. You have to think that me and my kid are two of the coolest people that you have ever met. (See "self-centered" comment above)
3. You have to despise everything pink and princess like. (extra points if your daughter is wearing scull T-Shirt)
4. You have to have an ability to NOT talk about kids all the time (if you do thou, a healthy dose of sarcasm is welcomed).
5. You cannot be size 0 for then I will have to hate you.
6. Your kid will ideally be about 6 months older than mine so I can inherit all of his/her clothes and excuse my daughter's tantrums to her young age.
7. Your husband cannot be Johnny Depp or we will have problems. Sorry Vanessa Paradis, I know you came so close...
8. You will think nothing of downing a couple of drinks during our playdates while listening to some nice non kid tunes.
9. You cannot speak baby talk or sing any of the nursery rhymes in my presence.
10. Your facebook profile picture has to be yours and not your kid's. 


Please apply in the comment section and stay tuned for tomorrow's "TOP 10 THINGS I PROMISE IF YOU CHOOSE ME TO BE YOUR 'MOM BFF".

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

TOP 10 WAYS BEING A PARENT IS SIMILAR TO BEING IN LOVE.


1. You lose sleep.
2. You think about them ALL the time.
3. You curse traffic for a 10 minute delay when you going home after work.
4. You lose your breath a little when they hug you.
5. You feel beautiful because they think you are.
6. You fantasize what your life will be like with them 5, 10, 50 years from now.
7. You can live on the sound of their laughter alone.
8. You have no problem doing absolutely nothing with them and be the happiest.
9. Your friends are sick hearing about them.
10. You get jealous when their attention goes to someone else.

Monday, May 18, 2009

TOP 10 THINGS YOUR MAMA LOVES


1. You
2. Your dad
3. White nights in her hometown
3. Music
4. Paris
5. Sushi
6. Red wine
7. Dark chocolate
8. Wind chimes
9. Ocean
10. Smell of lilac

Friday, May 15, 2009

TOP 10 REPLIES TO THE PEOPLE WHO ASK "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE?"





1. "As soon as you pay for one."
2. " As soon as you come over at 3 am every night to play "hide and seek" and "I am thirsty" with my now 2 kids.
3. "As soon as my first one can make herself and me a decent sandwich."
4. "As soon as I decide that "ME" time is just not for me."
5. "As soon as I block out that tiny thing called "labor" out of my forever traumatized head".
6. "As soon as I figure out how to breastfeed an infant while chasing a toddler."
7. "As soon as I lose those last 94 pounds from my first pregnancy"
8. "As soon as all the New York subways have elevators that don't smell like piss to take me up to the street with my tank of a stroller"
9. " As soon as I figure out where to put a second crib in my luxurious 5 square feet shoe box of an apartment"
10. "As soon as I am alone with my husband long enough to make one".


I am forever humbled and amazed by all of you who raise more than one kid.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

TOP 10 THINGS THAT SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME SINCE I GOT PREGNANT THAT (THANK GOD!) TURNED OUT TO BE OK.


1. The first 8 weeks of waiting and hoping that the pregnancy is a good one.
2. Genetic testing. Half of it made no sense and I felt tortured and completely powerless.
3. Amnio. I ended up not doing it  and switched doctors after being pressured to get one.
4. That sip (and I mean sip) of champaign I had when I was 7 months pregnant.
5. The level of intensity that labor brings.
6. Not hearing her cry for the first 5 seconds or so.
7. First night at home. 
8. SIDS. I didn't sleep for two months straight.
9. Choking.
10. Hitting her head in a way that if she was a cartoon character, there will be birds flying around in circles.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

TOP 10 REASONS MY CHILDHOOD WAS A SIMPLE ONE.




1. School shootings were unheard of.
2. The highest I got was...holding my breath on a dare.
3. Soviet TV had no commercials, therefore I didn't REALLY want anything.
4. Boys carried my books instead of trying to have sex with me at 13.
5. No myspace, twitter or online preditors.
6. Boys wrestled with each other, instead of pulling guns or knifes out.
7. Toy stores were empty but my imagination had no limits.
8. No Britney Spears or Hannah Montanas.
9. We all wore school uniforms and didn't know what "designer" meant.
10. We wrote love notes, instead of being "poked" on facebook.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

TOP 10 THINGS I AM PLANNING TO LIE TO MY DAUGHTER ABOUT



1. Santa
2. Ex-boyfriends. "Really, your dad was the only one"
3. My social smoking habit.
4. My not so social drinking habit.
5. Those pictures that I still gotta find.:)
6. What really happened to Fluffy.
7. Just how easy my labor was. (instead guilt her with 72 hours of labor, adding one hour every year)
8. That I was married before. (Green Card people, c'mon)
9. That I ran away from home at 17, resulting in all the bad habits, ex-boyfriends and those pictures I cannot find.
10. About Disneyland being burned down.
10 1/2. Just HOW MUCH she has me wrapped around her little, deliciously smelling, bringing me to tears little finger.

Monday, May 11, 2009

TOP 10 THINGS THAT PARENTING MAGAZINES SUGGEST THAT DON'T MAKE SENSE TO ME (there goes my dream job of writing for one of them:))


1. "Make sure that you develop interests and hobbies outside of being a parent"
2. "Get at least 8 hours of sleep every night"
3. "To feel better, get some kind of exercise every day"
4. "Find time to be romantic with your husband"
5. "You can purchase this beautiful onesie for ONLY $78"
6. "When you are with your kid all day, make sure that TV is NOT playing in the background"
7. "Here is an easy way to apply 764 make up tips"
8. "To give your hair volume ALL you have to do is...wash it, divide it into sections, blow dry it, set it in hot rollers and then finish it by teasing your hair and spraying it"
9. "Sleep when your baby sleeps". Well, that would be NEVER.
10. "Love your naked body". Forget "loving it". I am still trying to not cry when I look in the mirror before my weekly shower.

Friday, May 8, 2009

TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNT ABOUT PARENTING FROM WATCHING TV SHOWS





1. If you let your son live with you until he is 60, he will never get laid. ("Cheers")
2. Don't treat your husband as an annoying extra child. ("Everyone loves Raymond")
3. You can get free condoms at Planned Parenthood. ("18 and counting")
4. Count the days until your kids will finally move out and leave you alone so you can promote "Jello". ("The Cosby Show")
5. If you have a full time nanny, you can still leisurely have Cosmos with your friends. ("Sex in the City")
6. Dictatorship and organization raises adorably well behaved kids. ("John and Kate plus 8")
7. Just because one of your kids is dumb doesn't mean all of them will be. ("Married with children")
8.Your kids will stick by you even If you live in the woods with no electricity and flush your toilet once a week. ("Wife Swap")
9. That 15th guy you had sex with last month might still not be THE father. ("The Maury Show")
10. Don't EVER take yourself seriously or let money define who you are. ("Roseanne")

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

TOP 10 THINGS I WILL SHOOT MYSELF IF MY DAUGHTER LIKES





1. Barbies, unless of course they are dismembered.
2. Barney and his stupid song.
3. Hannah Montana.
4. Overpriced American Girl and their daughter-mother tea time.
5. Jean shorts with lace trimmings and anything that is bedazzled.
6. Miss America pageant or any competition where you wave and walk sideways while sucking in your stomach.
7. Cheerleading
8. Tiny fluffy dogs that look like Q-tips, named Cookie.
9. Stupid ass bags to put that "Cookie" in.
10. Jerry and not Tom.

...let the hate mail begin.

TOP 10 MILESTONES I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO NEXT YEAR.


1. First steps.
2. First sentence.
3. First fashion statement.
4. First selfless act of kindness towards me, our dog, neighbor's kid...
5. First real friend, that I did not assign for you.:)
6. First time I wake YOU up. (maybe not this year)
7. First "Why?" question.
8. First real "run and hug" when I come home from work.
9. First joke.
10. First martini that you will make me just right.:)

Monday, May 4, 2009

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE READY TO HAVE A KID


1. It's 1pm on a Saturday and you are bored out of your mind.

2. You stay home on St. Patrick's day because of "all the drunks out there"

3. Sleep is not that important to you.

4. You rather put money in the savings then blow it on a pair of shoes.

5. You sanitize your hands.

6. You notice EVERY kid on a street and say to yourself "MY kid would never..."

7. You don't work at "Hooters"...anymore.

8. You notice that you've been telling the same "funny" story at the parties for a couple of years now.

9. You say "I did..." more than "I wish I..."

10. Because you just know you are.

Friday, May 1, 2009

TOP 10 WAYS TO FEEL LIKE A WOMAN WHILE BEING A MOTHER


1. Buy yourself flowers.
2. Get the best smelling shampoo, body wash and lotion money can buy.
3. When your kid is playing, put old black and white movie on. Watch men in hats.
4. Red lipstick.
5. Summer dress.
6. Mimosa in a fancy glass with breakfast, even if it's just with toast.
7. Lacy boy shorts.
8. Smile at a handsome stranger. I said just "smile".:)
9. Kiss your husband 10 seconds longer than you did the night before.
10. Let your hair down, if only for one minute.