TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT BABY PAGEANTS.

As an act of self mutilation, I watched an episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" on "Estrogen" Network. The ugliness of it all haunted me ever since. So, lets unleash my hatred, shall we?:)

1. There is something borderline sexually abusive about a 3 year old wearing a tiny bikini and shaking her hips on a fake tan body. Isn't that what we did on a spring break in our 20s to get WRONG guys SEXUALLY attracted to us?

2. Parents leading in a group prayer before their child takes the stage, I have news for you. You just took a perfect God's creation and decorated it to your liking like a cheesy Barbie doll. I am sure God has more important things to do than reward your child with a 16 foot trophy for screwing up with his genius work. 

3. Why do you make your daughter walk like this? It's like a half walk, half hop with a perfect 20 degree shoulder rotation. Am I not getting it? Should I be walking like this?

4. Look around you parents. No one comes to these stupid events but you, your immediate, brain washed family and a couple of suspicious looking guys with oversized coats on their laps. Who are you trying to impress?

5. Let's do the math. Dress - $1000. Coaching - $60 a session. Dance lessons - $60 a session. Photoshoot - $500. Hotel, travel, FAKE TEETH, sugar packets, wigs and fake eyelashes - $2764.00. Prize for the first place - $5000. Don't tell me you doing this to save money for her college, because it just does not add up.

6. You know all those beauty products we spend a fortune on? They all promise us "baby smooth skin". So why are you caking your perfect daughter's face with foundation, concealers, powders and clown like blush?

7. The most beautiful thing about a child is her innocence, imagination and her ability to look at the world in a CHILD like way. When you are dressing your daughter in a leather cop uniform with attached HANDCUFFS and make her imitate arrest...you are robbing her of all three.

8. Look at the pageant headshots of your daughter...now look at her when she is peacefully sleeping after a day of playing outside? See ANY similarities? Didn't think so.

9. How do you compete in a newborn division? I didn't know there was a standard of "beauty" even before your cord dried up and fell off. My hat goes off to the mothers thou. At 6 weeks past birth I haven't showered or eaten yet. They already managed to create high expectations for their newborns.

10. Instead of all the time spent "rehearsing" for a unnatural, mechanical, fake routine...turn the music on and let her silly dance her own way, kiss her bare, naturally rosie cheeks and let her run naked in the sprinklers. Now, THAT is beautiful.

TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNT ABOUT BABY/TODDLER SLEEP TRAINING

This post is inspired by seeing the light (3 nights of sleeping straight through) and then having that light cruelly taken away from us (last 3 nights awake 2-3 times a night). I apologize if I sound a little hopeless, angry and sad, but after 13 months, reading every book on the market, having amazing routine and trying CIO in a New York apartment the size of a shoe box...me and my husband thought things would be a little different.

So, what did I learn about baby/toddler sleep and sleep training?

1. It's an oxymoron.

2. Every sleep method I read has a small print "This might not work if your child is teething, going through a milestone or any additional change". You mean like every day until they are 18?

2 1/2. "If your child vomits from crying too hard, calmly clean up the throw up and leave the room". What am I, a fucking Hitler? I feel bad for the non-related to me drunks throwing up at 3am outside the bar. Imagine how I feel about my non-verbal, teary up, "Why are you doing this to me?" BABY.

3. Every book I read has "No cry" or "Easy" in their title, but by chapter 3 I always realize that it is not the case. FYI: Some of us work, so no, I cannot chart every time my daughter rubs her eyes.

4. Only sleep training can make two college educated, smart, patient parents feel like a  complete powerless idiots.

5. It's mind bugling to me how can anyone wake up at 5am, never stop moving and still have problems falling asleep at 9pm.

6. I would agree to gain a 100 pounds if in return I will get 8 hours of continuous sleep EVERY night WITH my husband in OUR bed ALONE. Too bad I will no longer fit in that bed.

7. I was scared shitless when I read on internet that some kids still wake up 2-3 times a night at 3, 5, 7 years old.  Should of adopted a 16 year old. I heard they sleep till 2pm.

8. I want my money back for every soother, nighttime CD and comfort blanket I bought in the last year. I fell for all of you.

9. When I daydream at work, it's always the same: nursery on the 3rd Floor of my modest mansion and "Tori and Dean's" nanny is carrying our girl away for the night as I open a nice bottle of red.

10. Maybe sleep problems is the way to keep this world from being overpopulated, because if we didn't have them people would have 10-15 kids each.

Please feel free to comment and give me advice or take my daughter for a week and sleep train her.

 

TOP 10 MEAN CARDS.

I came across this brilliant website http://www.meancards.com/ that suits my sarcastic, dark ass just fine. They didn't have a lot in the "baby" section, so I am adding some.

1. "I am sorry your kid looks like you."

2. "Your family is just like Jolie-Pitt's minus talent, money and looks."

3. "Sorry you had to sleep with your husband to get pregnant."

4. "I booked you on the Maury show"

5. "Stop sending me your kid's pictures."

6. "Let's practice waving "Bye-bye" with your kid."

7. "I am sorry your life is over."

8. "You are not pregnant in your ass."

9. "Let's talk about your labor...never."

10. "Way to teach your kid about lower expectations."

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TOP 10 OF MY PROMISES TO YOU.

1. I will never hit you.

2. I will send you to college.

3. I will not care if you are gay.

4. I will support you in your passion even if I don't completely understand it.

5. I will only lie to protect you.

6. I will always love your father.

7. I will never be ok with you doing drugs.

8. I will always have a place for you to come home to.

8 1/2. You will have to pay rent after you are 18.

9. I will not compare my life to yours.

10. I will not be a burden to you when I am old.

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TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNT ABOUT BEING "MARRIED WITH CHILDREN"

I've been together with my husband for 12 years. In those 12 years we disagreed or fought maybe 10 times...8 of those fights happened after Amelie was born. If he was not the coolest person and the only one to tolerate my shit, I believe these numbers would of been much much higher, so...

Here are things that helped us survive the first year of "Married with children".

1. Appreciate each other and vocalize it often. If he changes the diaper, instead of "Finally!" say "Thank you".

2. When it gets too much and you haven't slept or showered in days, put your hands down and laugh together even if it's through the  tears. It's too f**ked up to do anything else. 

3. Make a list of things that made you say "Yes" when he proposed. Read it often.

4. Do one small thing a day for each other, no matter how little. My husband makes me an egg sandwich every morning to take to work. No jewelry in the world can replace that.

5. Don't bring too many outsiders into your problems. Solve what you need to privately. 

6. Slap each other's ass once in a while in passing. Sex will follow...one day. 

7. If you can't get out together, make a date in. Better plates, bottle of wine, "Entourage".

8. Give each other a break, especially if you have no family help. Me and my husband operated in three our shifts until the crying monster disappeared at about 6 months of age.

9. If you do fight, fight about what really bothers you. Don't bring other topics into the mix.

10. If all fails and you are angry, frustrated and hate each others guts for that moment...look at your kid. You made that, it's yours and you freaking it out by screaming at each other.

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TOP 10 THINGS I CHOOSE NOT TO WORRY ABOUT.

1. Her not walking yet.

I am yet to find a resume that states "Walked before 10 months old".

2. Not finishing every last bite on her plate.

If I lived by kid's rule "Finished when full", that bikini might still fit.

3. Not sending her to fancy shmansy $20.000 a year kindergarden.

How do you say "I pooped" in Latin? Who cares.

4. That 17 year old babysitter with extra perky everything.

If "John and Kate plus 8" taught us anything...he will leave if he wants to leave. There is nothing you can do about it.

5. Letting dirty laundry mix in with clean and sit there while I sip my wine.

Four nights in the same PJs. I call it "comfort".

6. Not having a huge, overpriced birthday for my 1 year old.

It just freaks them out. Period.

7. Spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with my little family of three. 

Those family traditions have to start somewhere.

8. That woman at the playground that asked me if I was pregnant.

You are a bitch. I hate you.

9. Not giving her a little sister or a brother.

That is what imaginary friends are for.

10. Her STILL waking up in the middle of the night.

One day, very soon, she will beg me to sleep in "just 5 more minutes".

P.S. T-shirt in the picture and many others smart ass onesies are from http://www.honestbaby.com/tshirts.php

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TOP 10 THINGS MY PARENTS DID RIGHT.

1. My mom would make me listen to classical music almost daily and once in a while she would ask "What do you imagine?"

2. I was dragged with them everywhere and they never talked to me like a kid.

3. I was allowed to draw on the walls in my room to make it "my own".

4. I was punished more for lying rather than the incident I was lying about.

5. At the age of 7 they let me take public transportation and navigate my way around the city. I felt like a badass.

6. They encouraged me to be friends with boys.

7. When I was about 9, my mom moved my bed to our balcony on the 8th Floor, so I can "see the stars" in the summer. I fell asleep for about three months listening to the city and watching the sky.

8. I was taught to never, ever, NEVER interrupt an adult conversation.

9. I had very specific set of chores all my life.

10. They let me go (if only physically) when I was ready to leave.

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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE NOT 18 ANYMORE.

1. Staying up past 11 pm is "living it up".

2. When you see "Real World" (and why would you?), you think to yourself "Their poor parents..."

3. You don't do shots BEFORE going out for a drink.

4. You stop trying to get high and just hope to stay low.

5. You buy pregnancy test in hopes that you ARE pregnant.

6. You can't eat two pizzas with a 2 liter coke and call it a snack.

7. You work out for all those other silly reasons that are NOT "spring break".

8. You are no longer fantasizing about revenging your ex.

9. Not ALL of your furniture is from IKEA.

10. You get unhealthy excitement about a new cleaning product.

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TOP 10 THINGS ONLY MOTHERS DO.

1. Buy a whole new wardrobe for your kid even thou you have only one pair of jeans that fits you and it's maternity kind.

2. Sleep on the floor next to the crib with your hand permanently stuck between the railings.

3. Change diaper mid air, one handedly in the middle of Manhattan. Oh yea...it's the one right after your kid discovered plums.

4. Smell your kid's ass in public or casually stick your fingers inside the diaper for the chocolate bunny covered surprise.

5. Get a second job just so that your kid go to "that" school and keep his dream alive. 

6. Buy everything organic and grow your own garden just so that they eat the best. Meanwhile, never think twice about making ramen noodles (again) for yourself.

7. Send little "Fluffy" to the pound, because he "looked wrong" at the baby.

8. Make pancakes in the shape of Taj Mahal, just because it brings slight amusement to your child's face.

9. Go to "long line standing", "hot as monkey's ass', "overpriced", "cheesy to the point of vomit" Disney just so they can have the memories (and pictures) of happy childhood.

10. Wake up in the middle of the night worrying about your ...40 year old "kid".

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