TOP 10 RULES ABOUT FACEBOOK POSTINGS OF YOUR KID.

1. Aside from your parents and maybe one close friend that is pregnant, noone gives rat's ass about what Johnny did at the zoo.

2. 80% of the moms that are checking your kid's pictures, secretly comparing them to their kids and think "My Suzie is so much cuter".

3. Any status update that has words "tinkle" or "poopies" in it would immediately erase a few dozen IQ points from your general profile.

4. Your profile has your name on it, so why do you insist on having Johnny as your profile picture. For one thing, you are 300 pounds bigger than Johnny. It's a false advertisement. Stop it.

5. If you posting the picture of yourself with your kid, make sure that you look hot first, because kid's cuteness simply comes naturally.

6. Don't ask people to vote for your Johnny to win "in the cutest baby contest." Why? See fact #1.

7. When writing 15th status update a day that has your kid in it, ask yourself "Will my non-child friend find this funny, touching, life changing?" If not, delete and delete often.

8. Pictures of you smoking from a 3 foot bong or making out with your lesbian friend will not help you with your custody after divorce. And believe me, you WILL get divorced.

9. Don't brag about your kid on the Facebook. His flaws will be that much more noticeable when people actually meet him.

10. NEVER EVER update your facebook status in third person aka "Johnny's voice". Fact #3 will make you look like a genius in comparison.


Side note: The author of this blog broke at least 5 of these rules and is sorry for being a hypocrite. 

TOP 10 THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.

I am an art producer. I love my job. On a daily basis, I look at 100s of photographs. This one stood out. It felt out of place and awkward, the way Miriah Carey's size 2 clothes fit on her size 16 body. It should go in the dictionary next to definition of "delusional parenting". Here are ten things that I wrong with it.

1. The parents obviously restfully slept.
2. It looks like they just woke up, but the picture deceitfully has that mid morning, 11am glow to it.

3. The father is still in the picture.
4. Looking at the mother's stomach, the newborn TRIPLETS are obviously adopted.
5. The picture would make a great Clorox ad.
6. Mother's boobs are not two gigantic baloons, covered in milk stains and weird round mini pads and/or cabbage leaves.
7. It doesn't appear like parents are mouthing "Fuck you" to each other.
8. Mother has perfectly swept up bangs and overall clean hair.
9. It looks like they might of had sex in the last two months, judging by the glow.

10. Noone in the photograph is crying, including the kids.

Top 10 things I should of done with my $100 prize money.

I won something!

http://www.betterwaymoms.com/articles/a-better-way-mothers-month-one-year-anniversary-contest-winner

My silly $100...this is how I should of spent you.

1. Hire a babysitter so I can make out with my husband in the back of the movie theater like a giddy teenager.

2. Get an hour long massage from a swedish hunk who would never touch me for any other reason.

3. Buy underwear that I will not be embarrassed of if God forbid I was in an accident.

4. Dinner out...with wine...outside.

5. One of those spa packages, where one woman works on my toes, the other - hands and third - massaging my shoulders.

6. Buy a new hammock. Use it. Often.

7. Put it away for my retirement in french countryside.

8. Buy a dress that is unpractical and will make me feel anything but mom like.  

9. Get a haircut at a place where everyone speaks with an accent and massage your head for 20 minutes.

10. Bed sheets with a thread count higher than my New York rent.

Instead, I am planning to buy my dream Aden + Anais winter baby blanket (have you felt those things?) and blow the rest on silly things that will make my daughter's eyes light up. Yes indeed, I am a mother.

TOP 10 WAYS TO RECOGNIZE THE WORST TANTRUM OF YOUR LIFE.

1. You attempt to pad the "tantrum space" psychiatric asylum style.
2. You want to scratch that stranger's face who in fake concerned voice asks "What is wrong with her?"
3. You want to double scratch the face of that flat stomached, freshly out of the spa, 20 something bitch that rolls her eyes.
4. You mentally go through "selling your child on a black market" options.
5. You can't believe ALL of this is happening because you said "no" to her wanting to eat dog poop off the street.
6. You think to yourself "I should of just let her eat the damn poop".
7. You search for matches in your pocket, preparing to burn every book that ever advised you to "Just stay calm".
8. When you pick her up so she will not get hit by an upcoming truck, you squeeze a little bit harder than child services would recommend.
9. You feel like you are losing your mind completely, when 12 minutes later she simply gets up, smiles and points to a flying by seagull.
10. You come home, lock yourself in the bathroom and have a nice cry until she comes over and hugs your knees, making you...well...forget everything.

TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNT ABOUT TODDLERHOOD SO FAR

1. "Dog whisperer" should be referenced often, especially the part of being the "pack leader".
2. Keep things educational. Instead of saying "Don't lick the door", say "Don't lick that RED door that is shaped like a RECTANGLE".
3. Don't worry about milestones. Very few adults still wear pampers and suck on their thumbs.
4. Leave negotiating for the movies with bad plots. To get results, see #1.
5. Stop taking 5000 pictures of your kid. Put your camera down for a moment. Capture the moment in your mind: the way she smells, the light in her eyes, the pure goodness of it all. THAT is the place you will go to when you are 100 years old and peacefully dying in your sleep.
6. Remember how good it felt when your parents said "Good job. I am proud of you". Yea...me neither. So, do it for YOUR kid and do it often.
7. Be really good to her nanny, her daycare, her neighbors. They all have a part in NOT making her a serial killer one day.
8. Create a world with your kid that is purely yours, the language that only two of you speak, the story that you imagined together. That is her real comfort blanket.
9. Stop worrying about crayon marks on your wall, cheerios  all over the floor and poop in your hair. One day you will nostalgically smile thinking of all those things.
10. Be just a little bit silly. After all you just got a green light to relive your childhood.

TOP 10 TRADITIONS I WOULD LIKE TO ESTABLISH WITH MY KID.

1. Macy's parade balloons the night before everyone sees them.

2. French toast and berries on Christmas morning.

3. Her buying a small christmas gift to someone in need...from her piggy bank.

4. Reading to each other out loud.

5. Saturday cartoons while I cook HUGE family breakfast.

6. Always staying up past 12 on New Years Eve.

7. Saying a blessing before dinner.

8. Sleeping in the tent in the backyard at least once a summer no matter how old she gets.

9. Visiting her family and knowing them well.

10. Bedtime stories that only two of us will know.

so many more to come...

TOP 10 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME.

This entry is an open invitation to anyone from Pixar Animation to come for a drink to my house at anytime that they desire. You see, I saw "Up" this weekend and the pleasure of returning to my childhood for spectacular 90 minutes of brilliant story telling was priceless. Drink is the least that I can do. I can't wait to see my daughter's eyes light "Up" when she sees this masterpiece in the years to come. Thank you Pixar and in the honor of the main grouchy character of the film here is... "top 10 things that annoy me".

1. Commercials with people who are overly excited about their cleaning products or the general idea of "cleaning".

2. Women who ask "How old do you think I am?"

3. New Yorkers who eat fried Chicken or anything that has a bone in it on a subway.

4. Any piece of written word that ends in "xoxo".

5. Men who wear gold jewelry of any kind with an exception of a wedding band.

6. People who snap their fingers at waiters and/or tip below 20%.

7. Itchy clothing labels.

8. Conversations about weather.

9. Lipstick on the white coffee mug at a diner. Extra annoyance points if it's not mine and 1980s "pink".

10. Mariah Carey.

P.S. I apologize to both of my readers for not writing for a while. If you would like to protest my silence and tell me to get off my ass and write more often...feel free to do so for it will inspire me greatly.:)