TOP 10 REASONS WHY RAISING CHILDREN "MAD MEN" STYLE IS A PIECE OF CAKE.

1. It's hard to notice any discipline flaws through the cloud of smoke and haze of alcohol.
2. "Parent conference" takes place in bed, while you are banging the teacher.
3. "Staying at home mom" has a new ring to it when someone else is watching your kids, cleaning your house and making your meals.
4. Communication with your kids is limited to "Go play".
5. Positive reinforcement takes effect when you get your daddy's martini right.
6. It's hard to disobey your mom when she goes outside with a rifle and shoots for the fun of it.
7. The kids are REALLY calm and relaxed since their mom smoked and drank 90% of her pregnancy.
8. Parenting is more fun when you leave your wife for the woman your daughter's age.
9. Milestones are irrelevant since neither of the parents know how old the kids are, where the school is or how to get there.
10. Quality time with your daughter is spent installing night light in her room so you will not have to be disturbed by her frightened crying.

TOP 10 THINGS I UNDERSTAND ABOUT MY PARENTS NOW THAT I AM ONE MYSELF

1. How much they crave my affection and still need to hear that I need them.

2. How much it hurt when I screamed "I wish I was never born" at a "I know it all" age of 14.

3. How hard it was to say "ok" when I decided to live abroad.

4. Why they always assumed the worst when I didn't call for a couple of weeks.

5. Why my husband will never be quite good enough no matter how much they love him.

6. Why my mother couldn't sleep sometimes simply "worrying".

7. How heartbroken they were when they missed my wedding and the birth of their granddaughter.

8. Why they keep my room just the way I left it...18 years ago.

9. Why my mother gets jealous of mine and dad's "bond".

10. How vulnerable the last 36 years have been for them.

TOP 10 DIFFERENCES A YEAR MAKES.

A year ago my daughter was 2 months old. She was never a tender, cooing baby and I was never a picture perfect doting mother. We were both exhausted, foreign to each other and wondering when will this babyhood insanity will stop for both of us. Around that time I saw a dad on a street who had 14 month old twins. We talked briefly and I remember asking him "When will I feel better, I mean... much better?". He answered "After about a year". In horror, his words lingered in my mind. At that point my life was on hour to hour basis. I simply couldn't imagine even making it through a year, forget enjoying anything after. Well, here I am, I survived to write about it. So, for all the mothers, who are crying in the shower, exhausted, sore and sleep-deprived a few months after birth...top 10 differences a year make.

1. They sleep. Forget 5 hour definition of "sleeping through the night" created obviously by a non parent. Majority sleep 11-12 hours STRAIGHT.

2. After a year you will "know" your kid, following their signs like a well studied map. No longer will you need to watch Oprah to identify your baby's cry. They will show you what hurts and what do they want.

3. They eat like humans and I strongly believe that if you don't give them more than 2 choices at one meal (if that), they will learn to eat anything you give them. If the sweetest thing they ever have is an apple, an apple would become a treat to them.

4. They walk. I heard people tell me "Enjoy this stage, because once they walk...". Are you kidding me? I love this "walking thing". No longer do I have to bend over like a human pretzel while holding both of her hands... or watch her get sad following running kids on the playground with her eyes, instead of playing with them... or panic about what to do with her, when I am struggling to open my apartment door.

5. They have enough attention span to watch a cartoon or read a book or simply entertain themselves for an hour. And just you wait until the day that she will bring you a book and then climb into your lap. Your heart will simply melt.

6. They follow simple directions. Only a few more months until "Go get mommy a bottle of wine from the corner store.":)

6.5. Speaking of wine. You start having it again... over dinner, with your husband, with your friends. Then you look in the mirror and start recognizing that woman that you once were with clear laughing eyes, beautiful smile and matching shoes.

7. They have personality and it's nothing that you might expect. While my daughter already has my dry sense of humor by laughing at the dog bumping her head on the wall, she also puts scarfs around her neck to play "princess" (something that truly horrifies me).

8. You are undeniably and enthusiastically their favorite person EVER and they let you know that constantly by hiding behind your legs or squeaking in delight every time you enter a room.

9. They hug in the purest, most sincere way and believe me, you will know the difference between requested hug and the hug they give you just because.

10. They make you want to have another one, something that you swore you will never do again.

TOP 10 QUALITIES THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO ME IN LIFE.

I encountered something this weekend that made my chest swell up with pride and eyes - with tears. At 13 months, as expected, my girl is not talking yet at all, she just started walking, she might be behind of some overachieving toddlers, whose mothers claim that they speak in full sentences and run marathons... and I don't really care. All this other stuff will come, but one thing that makes me already proud, is that my silly girl is KIND. I took her to the playground and since she can't move as fast as her much older peers, she is often left behind, so she started to pick up toys from underneath her stroller and giving them out. She would literally walk to a random kid and give him/her her toy. It broke my heart watching her do that. She sincerely wanted them to have it and maybe play with her too. I know there will come a day when she will scream "Mine!" but for now I love her for her innocent and complete kindness. So, I started thinking about qualities that matter to me in life that I would love for her to have. Here they are:

1. Kindness.

2. Sense of humor.

3. Eagerness to learn.

4. Great work ethic.

5. Humbleness.

6. Respect.

7. Good sense of timing.

8. Appreciation of what you have.

9. Uniqueness.

10. Child like silliness.

TOP 10 KIDS SONGS THAT MAKE ME WANT TO SHOOT MY BRAINS OUT

1. "I am the map..."

2. "I love you, you love me..." 

3. "The wheels on the bus"

4. "99 bottles..." 

5. "It's small world after all". 

6. "If you happy and you know it"

7. "The sun will come out...tomorrow"

8. "mmm bop" 

9. "The chicken dance". 

10. "I am a little tea pot". 

TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT BABY PAGEANTS.

As an act of self mutilation, I watched an episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" on "Estrogen" Network. The ugliness of it all haunted me ever since. So, lets unleash my hatred, shall we?:)

1. There is something borderline sexually abusive about a 3 year old wearing a tiny bikini and shaking her hips on a fake tan body. Isn't that what we did on a spring break in our 20s to get WRONG guys SEXUALLY attracted to us?

2. Parents leading in a group prayer before their child takes the stage, I have news for you. You just took a perfect God's creation and decorated it to your liking like a cheesy Barbie doll. I am sure God has more important things to do than reward your child with a 16 foot trophy for screwing up with his genius work. 

3. Why do you make your daughter walk like this? It's like a half walk, half hop with a perfect 20 degree shoulder rotation. Am I not getting it? Should I be walking like this?

4. Look around you parents. No one comes to these stupid events but you, your immediate, brain washed family and a couple of suspicious looking guys with oversized coats on their laps. Who are you trying to impress?

5. Let's do the math. Dress - $1000. Coaching - $60 a session. Dance lessons - $60 a session. Photoshoot - $500. Hotel, travel, FAKE TEETH, sugar packets, wigs and fake eyelashes - $2764.00. Prize for the first place - $5000. Don't tell me you doing this to save money for her college, because it just does not add up.

6. You know all those beauty products we spend a fortune on? They all promise us "baby smooth skin". So why are you caking your perfect daughter's face with foundation, concealers, powders and clown like blush?

7. The most beautiful thing about a child is her innocence, imagination and her ability to look at the world in a CHILD like way. When you are dressing your daughter in a leather cop uniform with attached HANDCUFFS and make her imitate arrest...you are robbing her of all three.

8. Look at the pageant headshots of your daughter...now look at her when she is peacefully sleeping after a day of playing outside? See ANY similarities? Didn't think so.

9. How do you compete in a newborn division? I didn't know there was a standard of "beauty" even before your cord dried up and fell off. My hat goes off to the mothers thou. At 6 weeks past birth I haven't showered or eaten yet. They already managed to create high expectations for their newborns.

10. Instead of all the time spent "rehearsing" for a unnatural, mechanical, fake routine...turn the music on and let her silly dance her own way, kiss her bare, naturally rosie cheeks and let her run naked in the sprinklers. Now, THAT is beautiful.

TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNT ABOUT BEING "MARRIED WITH CHILDREN"

I've been together with my husband for 12 years. In those 12 years we disagreed or fought maybe 10 times...8 of those fights happened after Amelie was born. If he was not the coolest person and the only one to tolerate my shit, I believe these numbers would of been much much higher, so...

Here are things that helped us survive the first year of "Married with children".

1. Appreciate each other and vocalize it often. If he changes the diaper, instead of "Finally!" say "Thank you".

2. When it gets too much and you haven't slept or showered in days, put your hands down and laugh together even if it's through the  tears. It's too f**ked up to do anything else. 

3. Make a list of things that made you say "Yes" when he proposed. Read it often.

4. Do one small thing a day for each other, no matter how little. My husband makes me an egg sandwich every morning to take to work. No jewelry in the world can replace that.

5. Don't bring too many outsiders into your problems. Solve what you need to privately. 

6. Slap each other's ass once in a while in passing. Sex will follow...one day. 

7. If you can't get out together, make a date in. Better plates, bottle of wine, "Entourage".

8. Give each other a break, especially if you have no family help. Me and my husband operated in three our shifts until the crying monster disappeared at about 6 months of age.

9. If you do fight, fight about what really bothers you. Don't bring other topics into the mix.

10. If all fails and you are angry, frustrated and hate each others guts for that moment...look at your kid. You made that, it's yours and you freaking it out by screaming at each other.

This blog entry is not to be reproduced without permission.

TOP 10 REASONS "16 AND PREGNANT" REUNION DIDN'T ACCOMPLISH "DON'T GET PREGNANT" MESSAGE

After watching "16 and pregnant" reunion on MTV last night, I imagined all kinds of rebelling teenage girls with boy-friends who are just "too big" for condoms, say to their parents "See, it's not so bad" and here is why:

1. Dr. Drew (host of the show) was creepy in every possible way and looked like someone's uncle with teenage porn collection.

2. 90 minutes of out of my ass awkwardness felt like glorified sex ed class.

3. ALL the girls from the show looked better than BEFORE they gave birth.

4. ALL the girls from the show were still with their boyfriends. Yes, because THAT happens all the time.

5. 2 of them were engaged and one was MARRIED.

6. One that had no boy-friend in the picture looked great and had a mother who I am sure gets up with the kid in the middle of the night. How else would she look this good?

7. One girl actually proclaimed that having a baby at 16 made her try harder and get her career off the ground faster.

8. They all cooed about how deliciously cute their babies are.

9. One of them mentioned that she had a fantastic time at her PROM while being 9 months pregnant.

10. By the end of the show, I was actually feeling sorry for the couple of 16 year olds that gave their baby up for an adoption, because they were not in on all the "I had a baby at 16" delirious fun.

Next time MTV, get it right. All you have to say to a teenager is "You will never sleep soundly or pass 7am ever again". THAT should make them get a condom.:)

TOP 10 THINGS I WISH I CAN DO WELL SO I CAN TEACH YOU.

1. Speak French. 

It looks like your whole entire face changes when you speak french. Your cheeks sunk in, your mouth pucker up, you purr like a little velvet kitten.  Plus, you will be able to to make everyone else feel like an idiot when you order at a french restaurant.

2. Dance.

I don't mean "3am, just finished a bottle of wine, Britney Spears "Toxic" is on" kind of dancing. I mean Argentinean tango.

3. Play an instrument.

Something sad and beautiful like cello.

4. Drive a car.

Man, does your mother suck. There should be a national emergency warning when I am on the road. Thank God I live in New York City.

5. Draw.

I am insanely jealous of anyone who can draw more than Mr. Potato Head. No matter how creative I get trying to draw a person, they always end up looking like a snowman or a lamp post.

6. Cook with exotic spices.

Preferably something so exotic that I have to sunk in my cheeks and pucker up my lips to pronounce it. Salt - no, pepper - no, marjoram - oui.

7. Fly a plane.

Yes, I know...for no other reason aside from "How cool is that?"

8. Public speaking.

I've always been able to make an emotional statement about something I care about. What I am talking about is carrying a speech Barack Obama style. Composed, collected, cool.

9. Be good with money.

I wish I knew about all the 401K and investments, so our $20 saving will make it's way from underneath the mattress.

10. Be an amazing parent.

The one that people write stupid Oprah about. You know with unlimited patience, constantly great attitude, completely selfless. The one that can keep you entertained with a piece of paper for an hour and sing you self composed lullabies.

Instead, you got me...

  

TOP 10 REASONS "THE SUMMER BELONGS TO THE CHILDREN"

1. Ice Cream truck.

2. Sleeping in a tent in the backyard.

3. Chalk drawing.

4. Puddle jumping.

5. Summer Camp.

6. Outside swimming pool.

7. Bugs.

8. Fireworks.

9. First bike.

10. Sand burial.

Please feel free to add your favorites...

TOP 10 THINGS YOU DO NOW THAT MELT MY HEART.

1. Attachment to my leg no matter where I am standing.

2. Your little silly dance when ice cream truck passes by.

3. The look of mischief on your face as you destroy something of value.

4. Shut lip cry when you don't want to eat anymore.

5. Conversations with Baby Einstein puppets on TV.

6. First "hug" in the morning.

7. Your naked butt crawling away as I am trying to change your diaper.

8. Sleepy, continuous eye rub right before your bed time.

9. Your warm, sweet smelling hands playing with my necklace.

10. The way your lips smack around when you sleep.

TOP 10 THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE MY PERFECT STROLLER.

Since I live in NYC and walk constantly, the search for the perfect stroller has been not an easy one. So far I've had 5 strollers. The first one was the longest lived and a perfect shower gift from my dearest friend Cat. It was Kolcraft Contours options 4 wheeler and a dream stroller for a newborn. I still tear up thinking about it, but after I almost broke myself in a half dragging it down the subway stairs, it was time to sell. Since then our house went through a parade of strollers, each one RIP in the basement due to the lack of some very important feature. So, here is the list to accommodate my impossible fancy.

1. Light weight, preferably 8 pounds or less, like my new obsession and my next purchase MacLaren Volo 2009. (maybe they will send me a free one for mentioning it to my 5 readers):)

2. 5 point safety harness.

3. One hand fold.

4. Height adjustment handles due to my freakish height of 6'2".

5. Big, easy access basket for all the possible crap my kid might need on a 8 hour walk around the city. Yes, including a bath.:)

6. Good sun and rain coverage.

7. Beer...I mean a cup holder.

8. Shock absorbing wheels. This is New York people.

9. Reclining seat for her naps and my sanity.

10. Overall appearance that creates an instant jealousy in other parents.

TOP 10 THINGS I PROMISE IF YOU CHOOSE ME TO BE YOUR 'MOM BFF".

1. Unlimited use of my Tuscany like backyard.

2. Generous complimenting on your baby weight loss and overall appearance.

3. Cold beer upon your arrival.

4. Support for the moments that you want to return your kid back to the hospital.

5. Babysitting, when you need alone time with your man or yourself.

6. Luck of judgement on your parenting style.

7. Unlimited amount of harmless gossip.

8. Free swimming lessons. (Believe me, I AM the best.)

9. Access to 8263487236 toys that my daughter has.

10. Assurance that I am more clueless than you are about this whole parenting thing.

TOP 10 CRITERIAS TO BE MY NEW "MOM BFF"

In light of my recent loss of the only and the dearest "mom BFF" Pam (see above) to Canada move, I am in search of impossible replacement...Here are some tough criterias. 

1. You have to tolerate my obnoxious, self centered and overbearing personality.

2. You have to think that me and my kid are two of the coolest people that you have ever met. (See "self-centered" comment above)

3. You have to despise everything pink and princess like. (extra points if your daughter is wearing scull T-Shirt)

4. You have to have an ability to NOT talk about kids all the time (if you do thou, a healthy dose of sarcasm is welcomed).

5. You cannot be size 0 for then I will have to hate you.

6. Your kid will ideally be about 6 months older than mine so I can inherit all of his/her clothes and excuse my daughter's tantrums to her young age.

7. Your husband cannot be Johnny Depp or we will have problems. Sorry Vanessa Paradis, I know you came so close...

8. You will think nothing of downing a couple of drinks during our playdates while listening to some nice non kid tunes.

9. You cannot speak baby talk or sing any of the nursery rhymes in my presence.

10. Your facebook profile picture has to be yours and not your kid's. 

Please apply in the comment section and stay tuned for tomorrow's "TOP 10 THINGS I PROMISE IF YOU CHOOSE ME TO BE YOUR 'MOM BFF".

TOP 10 WAYS BEING A PARENT IS SIMILAR TO BEING IN LOVE.

1. You lose sleep.

2. You think about them ALL the time.

3. You curse traffic for a 10 minute delay when you going home after work.

4. You lose your breath a little when they hug you.

5. You feel beautiful because they think you are.

6. You fantasize what your life will be like with them 5, 10, 50 years from now.

7. You can live on the sound of their laughter alone.

8. You have no problem doing absolutely nothing with them and be the happiest.

9. Your friends are sick hearing about them.

10. You get jealous when their attention goes to someone else.

TOP 10 THINGS YOUR MAMA LOVES

1. You

2. Your dad

3. White nights in her hometown

3. Music

4. Paris

5. Sushi

6. Red wine

7. Dark chocolate

8. Wind chimes

9. Ocean

10. Smell of lilac

TOP 10 REPLIES TO THE PEOPLE WHO ASK "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE?"

1. "As soon as you pay for one."

2. " As soon as you come over at 3 am every night to play "hide and seek" and "I am thirsty" with my now 2 kids.

3. "As soon as my first one can make herself and me a decent sandwich."

4. "As soon as I decide that "ME" time is just not for me."

5. "As soon as I block out that tiny thing called "labor" out of my forever traumatized head".

6. "As soon as I figure out how to breastfeed an infant while chasing a toddler."

7. "As soon as I lose those last 94 pounds from my first pregnancy"

8. "As soon as all the New York subways have elevators that don't smell like piss to take me up to the street with my tank of a stroller"

9. " As soon as I figure out where to put a second crib in my luxurious 5 square feet shoe box of an apartment"

10. "As soon as I am alone with my husband long enough to make one".

I am forever humbled and amazed by all of you who raise more than one kid.

TOP 10 REASONS MY CHILDHOOD WAS A SIMPLE ONE.

1. School shootings were unheard of.
2. The highest I got was...holding my breath on a dare.
3. Soviet TV had no commercials, therefore I didn't REALLY want anything.
4. Boys carried my books instead of trying to have sex with me at 13.
5. No myspace, twitter or online preditors.
6. Boys wrestled with each other, instead of pulling guns or knifes out.
7. Toy stores were empty but my imagination had no limits.
8. No Britney Spears or Hannah Montanas.
9. We all wore school uniforms and didn't know what "designer" meant.
10. We wrote love notes, instead of being "poked" on facebook.

TOP 10 THINGS I AM PLANNING TO LIE TO MY DAUGHTER ABOUT

1. Santa

2. Ex-boyfriends. "Really, your dad was the only one"

3. My social smoking habit.

4. My not so social drinking habit.

5. Those pictures that I still gotta find.:)

6. What really happened to Fluffy.

7. Just how easy my labor was. (instead guilt her with 72 hours of labor, adding one hour every year)

8. That I was married before. (Green Card people, c'mon)

9. That I ran away from home at 17, resulting in all the bad habits, ex-boyfriends and those pictures I cannot find.

10. About Disneyland being burned down.

10 1/2. Just HOW MUCH she has me wrapped around her little, deliciously smelling, bringing me to tears little finger.

TOP 10 THINGS THAT PARENTING MAGAZINES SUGGEST THAT DON'T MAKE SENSE TO ME (there goes my dream job of writing for one of them:))

1. "Make sure that you develop interests and hobbies outside of being a parent"

2. "Get at least 8 hours of sleep every night"

3. "To feel better, get some kind of exercise every day"

4. "Find time to be romantic with your husband"

5. "You can purchase this beautiful onesie for ONLY $78"

6. "When you are with your kid all day, make sure that TV is NOT playing in the background"

7. "Here is an easy way to apply 764 make up tips"

8. "To give your hair volume ALL you have to do is...wash it, divide it into sections, blow dry it, set it in hot rollers and then finish it by teasing your hair and spraying it"

9. "Sleep when your baby sleeps". Well, that would be NEVER.

10. "Love your naked body". Forget "loving it". I am still trying to not cry when I look in the mirror before my weekly shower.