Tuesday, April 5, 2011


1. Aside from your parents and maybe one close friend that is pregnant, noone gives rat's ass about what Johnny did at the zoo.

2. 80% of the moms that are checking your kid's pictures, secretly comparing them to their kids and think "My Suzie is so much cuter".

3. Any status update that has words "tinkle" or "poopies" in it would immediately erase a few dozen IQ points from your general profile.

4. Your profile has your name on it, so why do you insist on having Johnny as your profile picture. For one thing, you are 300 pounds bigger than Johnny. It's a false advertisement. Stop it.

5. If you posting the picture of yourself with your kid, make sure that you look hot first, because kid's cuteness simply comes naturally.

6. Don't ask people to vote for your Johnny to win "in the cutest baby contest." Why? See fact #1.

7. When writing 15th status update a day that has your kid in it, ask yourself "Will my non-child friend find this funny, touching, life changing?" If not, delete and delete often.

8. Pictures of you smoking from a 3 foot bong or making out with your lesbian friend will not help you with your custody after divorce. And believe me, you WILL get divorced.

9. Don't brag about your kid on the Facebook. His flaws will be that much more noticeable when people actually meet him.

10. NEVER EVER update your facebook status in third person aka "Johnny's voice". Fact #3 will make you look like a genius in comparison.

Side note: The author of this blog broke at least 5 of these rules and is sorry for being a hypocrite.