TOP 10 THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.

I am an art producer. I love my job. On a daily basis, I look at 100s of photographs. This one stood out. It felt out of place and awkward, the way Miriah Carey's size 2 clothes fit on her size 16 body. It should go in the dictionary next to definition of "delusional parenting". Here are ten things that I wrong with it.

1. The parents obviously restfully slept.
2. It looks like they just woke up, but the picture deceitfully has that mid morning, 11am glow to it.

3. The father is still in the picture.
4. Looking at the mother's stomach, the newborn TRIPLETS are obviously adopted.
5. The picture would make a great Clorox ad.
6. Mother's boobs are not two gigantic baloons, covered in milk stains and weird round mini pads and/or cabbage leaves.
7. It doesn't appear like parents are mouthing "Fuck you" to each other.
8. Mother has perfectly swept up bangs and overall clean hair.
9. It looks like they might of had sex in the last two months, judging by the glow.

10. Noone in the photograph is crying, including the kids.

Top 10 things I should of done with my $100 prize money.

I won something!

http://www.betterwaymoms.com/articles/a-better-way-mothers-month-one-year-anniversary-contest-winner

My silly $100...this is how I should of spent you.

1. Hire a babysitter so I can make out with my husband in the back of the movie theater like a giddy teenager.

2. Get an hour long massage from a swedish hunk who would never touch me for any other reason.

3. Buy underwear that I will not be embarrassed of if God forbid I was in an accident.

4. Dinner out...with wine...outside.

5. One of those spa packages, where one woman works on my toes, the other - hands and third - massaging my shoulders.

6. Buy a new hammock. Use it. Often.

7. Put it away for my retirement in french countryside.

8. Buy a dress that is unpractical and will make me feel anything but mom like.  

9. Get a haircut at a place where everyone speaks with an accent and massage your head for 20 minutes.

10. Bed sheets with a thread count higher than my New York rent.

Instead, I am planning to buy my dream Aden + Anais winter baby blanket (have you felt those things?) and blow the rest on silly things that will make my daughter's eyes light up. Yes indeed, I am a mother.

TOP 10 WAYS TO RECOGNIZE THE WORST TANTRUM OF YOUR LIFE.

1. You attempt to pad the "tantrum space" psychiatric asylum style.
2. You want to scratch that stranger's face who in fake concerned voice asks "What is wrong with her?"
3. You want to double scratch the face of that flat stomached, freshly out of the spa, 20 something bitch that rolls her eyes.
4. You mentally go through "selling your child on a black market" options.
5. You can't believe ALL of this is happening because you said "no" to her wanting to eat dog poop off the street.
6. You think to yourself "I should of just let her eat the damn poop".
7. You search for matches in your pocket, preparing to burn every book that ever advised you to "Just stay calm".
8. When you pick her up so she will not get hit by an upcoming truck, you squeeze a little bit harder than child services would recommend.
9. You feel like you are losing your mind completely, when 12 minutes later she simply gets up, smiles and points to a flying by seagull.
10. You come home, lock yourself in the bathroom and have a nice cry until she comes over and hugs your knees, making you...well...forget everything.

TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNT ABOUT TODDLERHOOD SO FAR

1. "Dog whisperer" should be referenced often, especially the part of being the "pack leader".
2. Keep things educational. Instead of saying "Don't lick the door", say "Don't lick that RED door that is shaped like a RECTANGLE".
3. Don't worry about milestones. Very few adults still wear pampers and suck on their thumbs.
4. Leave negotiating for the movies with bad plots. To get results, see #1.
5. Stop taking 5000 pictures of your kid. Put your camera down for a moment. Capture the moment in your mind: the way she smells, the light in her eyes, the pure goodness of it all. THAT is the place you will go to when you are 100 years old and peacefully dying in your sleep.
6. Remember how good it felt when your parents said "Good job. I am proud of you". Yea...me neither. So, do it for YOUR kid and do it often.
7. Be really good to her nanny, her daycare, her neighbors. They all have a part in NOT making her a serial killer one day.
8. Create a world with your kid that is purely yours, the language that only two of you speak, the story that you imagined together. That is her real comfort blanket.
9. Stop worrying about crayon marks on your wall, cheerios  all over the floor and poop in your hair. One day you will nostalgically smile thinking of all those things.
10. Be just a little bit silly. After all you just got a green light to relive your childhood.