TOP 10 DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS MOTHERS DON'T MENTION

1. How much you long to feel pretty again.
2. Just how much sex you are NOT having after the birth of the baby.
3. Your kid still wakes up at 3am...and he is 5.
4. You hate that everyone ONLY asks you about "the baby".
5. There are moments you do not like your kid at all.
6. You secretly wish she will inherit some of your personality traits and not your husband's.
7. You regret not waiting longer to have a kid.
8. You don't give rat's ass about effects of TV on your child as long as it gives you some peace and quite.
9. When you watch devastating commercials of kids with cancer, you think to yourself "Thank God my kid is healthy".
10. You secretly compare your kid to others and your body to every other mother's at the playground.

TOP 10 THINGS I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHILE WRITING MY IMAGINARY WILL

I have been sick for the last week. The kind of sick when you start making up your will in your head and then realize that there is nothing in your will, but outstanding bills. I cried, I bargained with God, I burnt in fever. I went to a very dark place. Your life looks very different when you are not feeling well. While I was contemplating what's the wording on my tombstone should be :), I watched "Oprah" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7s89ptz0dA or I drifted in and out of consciousness through the show. It was about Copenhagen, Denmark and why it is where "the happiest people in the world" live. It made me think about all the changes that the people of this great country would appreciate, changes that make people happy in a small country like Denmark. Here are some of them...without any political agenda.

1. Universal Health Care
Please don't call me a "socialist", because believe me as a Russian citizen I KNOW what that means. All I am asking for is that on top of the beautiful choices this country provides, there should be a simple guarantee that no one will need to choose between getting their family in debt or DYING. It's a simple human right.

2. More disease prevention services.
Government sponsored programs that teach prevention, provide free mammograms and other medical screenings.

3. 1 year of maternity leave.
It's truly insane to have a need to choose whether you should go back to work after 12 weeks or sacrifice your hard won career to stay home.

4. Cheap or free daycare.
Do I pay for daycare, which is almost the cost of my paycheck or do I stay home and clip coupons, while my husband has small heart attacks from all the pressure of bringing home the money.

5. Assigned "on call" nurse for the first 3 months of a baby's life.
Not all of us are lucky to have our parents come and help us in those trying times. You are exhausted, sleep deprived and still in shock from labor. It would be nice to be able to call someone for help if only for an hour.

6. 40 hour work week.
I am lucky to have that, but I see a lot of people who get offered a certain salary and then added "but there is a lot of overtime". We live in a time when you feel guilty leaving the office to be with your family ON TIME.

7. OPTION of free higher education.
It's not a good start of your professional young life when you get out of college already with a huge debt or worse, join the army risking your life so you have a chance at a brighter future for free.

8. Required internship programs.
If you ARE paying thousands to get that degree, there should be a way to find out exactly what that job in theory looks like in reality.

9. Travel abroad.
80% of Americans do not have a passport. Enough said.

10. Consume less, enjoy life more.

I would like to also mention that people in Denmark pay 50% of their salary in taxes but after getting everything above plus 4 years of unemployment at 90% of your salary....ask me if I care.

TOP 10 WAYS I KEEP MYSELF RELATIVELY SANE AND ...HAPPY

As a nation, we are overworked, completely stressed out, depression drug overused and simply...unhappy. This is how I am fighting back.

1. I don't clean. Of course there is the general dishes and laundry upkeep (I am not an animal), but my house generally looks like an organized disaster. I could give rat's ass about my dirty floors if instead I get an hour of care free time with my family.

2. I don't cook. Well...I cook once a week. On Sunday, I send my better 2/3 to the park for 3 hours, blast off way inappropriate for my age music and cook for the whole entire week. It's therapeutic and all I have to do for the rest of the week is pour a glass of wine with my warmed up dinner.

3. I have a standing date with one of my friends. Once a week, I spend a care free evening wine drinking and gossiping with my friend Lisa. We've being doing this for years and somehow we still manage to non stop talk for hours on that one night.

4. Once in a while I call in sick just to stay home with my husband while our girl is in daycare. We have a huge breakfast, go to the movies or simply stay in bed. After my boss reads this, I might have whole bunch of those days coming up, also known as "unemployment".:)

4 1/2. To immediately cover my ass:)...I love my job and people I work with. It's true and it's a very important aspect of my sanity. Everytime I get stressed out, I remind myself that generally I get paid to be around very cool people who do very cool shit for living.

5. When my daughter wakes up around 8 on the weekends, we put in "Sesame street" DVD on repeat, give her some snacks with milk and go back to bed for another blissful hour.

6. I buy a lottery ticket a couple of times a week. Just one at a time. The pleasure I get from day dreaming about winning all those millions and moving to Tuscany with my family is well worth $1.

7. I listen to my I-Pod. Subway, close my eyes, music... It is simply my #1 drug.

8. I pray. I do. Every day. Mostly, just to say "thank you".

9. I eat my dinner AFTER my daughter goes to bed. Yes, it's late by american standards, but the anticipation of adult conversation, slow chewing and wine sipping makes kiddie bedtime routine that much stricter and more organized. P.S. Extra points if you serve your dinner on the fancy plates.

10. I get on all fours and chase my girl around the house every chance I get. Something about her squeaking and non stop laughing makes me forget about work, recession and that dirty bathroom.

TOP 10 REASONS WHY RAISING CHILDREN "MAD MEN" STYLE IS A PIECE OF CAKE.

1. It's hard to notice any discipline flaws through the cloud of smoke and haze of alcohol.
2. "Parent conference" takes place in bed, while you are banging the teacher.
3. "Staying at home mom" has a new ring to it when someone else is watching your kids, cleaning your house and making your meals.
4. Communication with your kids is limited to "Go play".
5. Positive reinforcement takes effect when you get your daddy's martini right.
6. It's hard to disobey your mom when she goes outside with a rifle and shoots for the fun of it.
7. The kids are REALLY calm and relaxed since their mom smoked and drank 90% of her pregnancy.
8. Parenting is more fun when you leave your wife for the woman your daughter's age.
9. Milestones are irrelevant since neither of the parents know how old the kids are, where the school is or how to get there.
10. Quality time with your daughter is spent installing night light in her room so you will not have to be disturbed by her frightened crying.

TOP 10 RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT "MY MONKEY BABY"

I wasn't feeling well yesterday, so my judgement was even more clouded than usual. To make the time pass before "does it get any better?" "Mad Men", I made an emotionally fatal mistake by watching "My monkey baby". TLC's new found gem is the show about people who get a monkey and then treat it as their baby. Enough said. Here are a few parts of the show that emotionally scarred me for life.

1. Putting lipstick and eye shadow on your monkey after realizing that she is a teenager now.

2. Introducing your 2 week old "baby" to your two huge pitbulls.

3. Sloppy mouth to mouth kissing between a 70 year old and (yes, you guessed it) her pet monkey.

4. Selecting a number of girl dresses and then proceeding to try them on on her with the statements like "This one is only $28".

5. Putting your "baby" in a stroller and then going to a restaurant, while pointing out that she behaves better than other children.

6. Putting your monkey in a will.

7. Celebrating her birthday with cake, balloons and wrapped up stuffed monkey as one of her many presents.

8. Calling your psychic after a climatic discovery of missing anti-depressants to see if the monkey ate them. Next camera shot... monkey dozing off on her "mother's" shoulder.

9. Continuous high pitch screaming "Are you taking your panties off?", as your ape franticly scratching off her diaper.

10. Soothing your "baby" with a monkey DVD before she drifts off to sleep.

With that said... I am a lucky one. I wanted to have a kid one day and I have one. My heart bleeds a little knowing that all these women really wanted to have kids and just couldn't. As creepy, bazaar and delusional the show is...I am not the one to judge. I am just pointing out the extreme of it all that should be replaced with a healthy dose of much needed therapy.

TOP 10 THINGS I UNDERSTAND ABOUT MY PARENTS NOW THAT I AM ONE MYSELF

1. How much they crave my affection and still need to hear that I need them.

2. How much it hurt when I screamed "I wish I was never born" at a "I know it all" age of 14.

3. How hard it was to say "ok" when I decided to live abroad.

4. Why they always assumed the worst when I didn't call for a couple of weeks.

5. Why my husband will never be quite good enough no matter how much they love him.

6. Why my mother couldn't sleep sometimes simply "worrying".

7. How heartbroken they were when they missed my wedding and the birth of their granddaughter.

8. Why they keep my room just the way I left it...18 years ago.

9. Why my mother gets jealous of mine and dad's "bond".

10. How vulnerable the last 36 years have been for them.

TOP 10 DIFFERENCES A YEAR MAKES.

A year ago my daughter was 2 months old. She was never a tender, cooing baby and I was never a picture perfect doting mother. We were both exhausted, foreign to each other and wondering when will this babyhood insanity will stop for both of us. Around that time I saw a dad on a street who had 14 month old twins. We talked briefly and I remember asking him "When will I feel better, I mean... much better?". He answered "After about a year". In horror, his words lingered in my mind. At that point my life was on hour to hour basis. I simply couldn't imagine even making it through a year, forget enjoying anything after. Well, here I am, I survived to write about it. So, for all the mothers, who are crying in the shower, exhausted, sore and sleep-deprived a few months after birth...top 10 differences a year make.

1. They sleep. Forget 5 hour definition of "sleeping through the night" created obviously by a non parent. Majority sleep 11-12 hours STRAIGHT.

2. After a year you will "know" your kid, following their signs like a well studied map. No longer will you need to watch Oprah to identify your baby's cry. They will show you what hurts and what do they want.

3. They eat like humans and I strongly believe that if you don't give them more than 2 choices at one meal (if that), they will learn to eat anything you give them. If the sweetest thing they ever have is an apple, an apple would become a treat to them.

4. They walk. I heard people tell me "Enjoy this stage, because once they walk...". Are you kidding me? I love this "walking thing". No longer do I have to bend over like a human pretzel while holding both of her hands... or watch her get sad following running kids on the playground with her eyes, instead of playing with them... or panic about what to do with her, when I am struggling to open my apartment door.

5. They have enough attention span to watch a cartoon or read a book or simply entertain themselves for an hour. And just you wait until the day that she will bring you a book and then climb into your lap. Your heart will simply melt.

6. They follow simple directions. Only a few more months until "Go get mommy a bottle of wine from the corner store.":)

6.5. Speaking of wine. You start having it again... over dinner, with your husband, with your friends. Then you look in the mirror and start recognizing that woman that you once were with clear laughing eyes, beautiful smile and matching shoes.

7. They have personality and it's nothing that you might expect. While my daughter already has my dry sense of humor by laughing at the dog bumping her head on the wall, she also puts scarfs around her neck to play "princess" (something that truly horrifies me).

8. You are undeniably and enthusiastically their favorite person EVER and they let you know that constantly by hiding behind your legs or squeaking in delight every time you enter a room.

9. They hug in the purest, most sincere way and believe me, you will know the difference between requested hug and the hug they give you just because.

10. They make you want to have another one, something that you swore you will never do again.