TOP 10 MEAN CARDS.

I came across this brilliant website http://www.meancards.com/ that suits my sarcastic, dark ass just fine. They didn't have a lot in the "baby" section, so I am adding some.

1. "I am sorry your kid looks like you."

2. "Your family is just like Jolie-Pitt's minus talent, money and looks."

3. "Sorry you had to sleep with your husband to get pregnant."

4. "I booked you on the Maury show"

5. "Stop sending me your kid's pictures."

6. "Let's practice waving "Bye-bye" with your kid."

7. "I am sorry your life is over."

8. "You are not pregnant in your ass."

9. "Let's talk about your labor...never."

10. "Way to teach your kid about lower expectations."

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TOP 10 OF MY PROMISES TO YOU.

1. I will never hit you.

2. I will send you to college.

3. I will not care if you are gay.

4. I will support you in your passion even if I don't completely understand it.

5. I will only lie to protect you.

6. I will always love your father.

7. I will never be ok with you doing drugs.

8. I will always have a place for you to come home to.

8 1/2. You will have to pay rent after you are 18.

9. I will not compare my life to yours.

10. I will not be a burden to you when I am old.

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TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNT ABOUT BEING "MARRIED WITH CHILDREN"

I've been together with my husband for 12 years. In those 12 years we disagreed or fought maybe 10 times...8 of those fights happened after Amelie was born. If he was not the coolest person and the only one to tolerate my shit, I believe these numbers would of been much much higher, so...

Here are things that helped us survive the first year of "Married with children".

1. Appreciate each other and vocalize it often. If he changes the diaper, instead of "Finally!" say "Thank you".

2. When it gets too much and you haven't slept or showered in days, put your hands down and laugh together even if it's through the  tears. It's too f**ked up to do anything else. 

3. Make a list of things that made you say "Yes" when he proposed. Read it often.

4. Do one small thing a day for each other, no matter how little. My husband makes me an egg sandwich every morning to take to work. No jewelry in the world can replace that.

5. Don't bring too many outsiders into your problems. Solve what you need to privately. 

6. Slap each other's ass once in a while in passing. Sex will follow...one day. 

7. If you can't get out together, make a date in. Better plates, bottle of wine, "Entourage".

8. Give each other a break, especially if you have no family help. Me and my husband operated in three our shifts until the crying monster disappeared at about 6 months of age.

9. If you do fight, fight about what really bothers you. Don't bring other topics into the mix.

10. If all fails and you are angry, frustrated and hate each others guts for that moment...look at your kid. You made that, it's yours and you freaking it out by screaming at each other.

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TOP 10 THINGS I CHOOSE NOT TO WORRY ABOUT.

1. Her not walking yet.

I am yet to find a resume that states "Walked before 10 months old".

2. Not finishing every last bite on her plate.

If I lived by kid's rule "Finished when full", that bikini might still fit.

3. Not sending her to fancy shmansy $20.000 a year kindergarden.

How do you say "I pooped" in Latin? Who cares.

4. That 17 year old babysitter with extra perky everything.

If "John and Kate plus 8" taught us anything...he will leave if he wants to leave. There is nothing you can do about it.

5. Letting dirty laundry mix in with clean and sit there while I sip my wine.

Four nights in the same PJs. I call it "comfort".

6. Not having a huge, overpriced birthday for my 1 year old.

It just freaks them out. Period.

7. Spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with my little family of three. 

Those family traditions have to start somewhere.

8. That woman at the playground that asked me if I was pregnant.

You are a bitch. I hate you.

9. Not giving her a little sister or a brother.

That is what imaginary friends are for.

10. Her STILL waking up in the middle of the night.

One day, very soon, she will beg me to sleep in "just 5 more minutes".

P.S. T-shirt in the picture and many others smart ass onesies are from http://www.honestbaby.com/tshirts.php

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TOP 10 THINGS MY PARENTS DID RIGHT.

1. My mom would make me listen to classical music almost daily and once in a while she would ask "What do you imagine?"

2. I was dragged with them everywhere and they never talked to me like a kid.

3. I was allowed to draw on the walls in my room to make it "my own".

4. I was punished more for lying rather than the incident I was lying about.

5. At the age of 7 they let me take public transportation and navigate my way around the city. I felt like a badass.

6. They encouraged me to be friends with boys.

7. When I was about 9, my mom moved my bed to our balcony on the 8th Floor, so I can "see the stars" in the summer. I fell asleep for about three months listening to the city and watching the sky.

8. I was taught to never, ever, NEVER interrupt an adult conversation.

9. I had very specific set of chores all my life.

10. They let me go (if only physically) when I was ready to leave.

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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE NOT 18 ANYMORE.

1. Staying up past 11 pm is "living it up".

2. When you see "Real World" (and why would you?), you think to yourself "Their poor parents..."

3. You don't do shots BEFORE going out for a drink.

4. You stop trying to get high and just hope to stay low.

5. You buy pregnancy test in hopes that you ARE pregnant.

6. You can't eat two pizzas with a 2 liter coke and call it a snack.

7. You work out for all those other silly reasons that are NOT "spring break".

8. You are no longer fantasizing about revenging your ex.

9. Not ALL of your furniture is from IKEA.

10. You get unhealthy excitement about a new cleaning product.

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TOP 10 THINGS ONLY MOTHERS DO.

1. Buy a whole new wardrobe for your kid even thou you have only one pair of jeans that fits you and it's maternity kind.

2. Sleep on the floor next to the crib with your hand permanently stuck between the railings.

3. Change diaper mid air, one handedly in the middle of Manhattan. Oh yea...it's the one right after your kid discovered plums.

4. Smell your kid's ass in public or casually stick your fingers inside the diaper for the chocolate bunny covered surprise.

5. Get a second job just so that your kid go to "that" school and keep his dream alive. 

6. Buy everything organic and grow your own garden just so that they eat the best. Meanwhile, never think twice about making ramen noodles (again) for yourself.

7. Send little "Fluffy" to the pound, because he "looked wrong" at the baby.

8. Make pancakes in the shape of Taj Mahal, just because it brings slight amusement to your child's face.

9. Go to "long line standing", "hot as monkey's ass', "overpriced", "cheesy to the point of vomit" Disney just so they can have the memories (and pictures) of happy childhood.

10. Wake up in the middle of the night worrying about your ...40 year old "kid".

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