So, what did I learn about baby/toddler sleep and sleep training?
1. It's an oxymoron.
2. Every sleep method I read has a small print "This might not work if your child is teething, going through a milestone or any additional change". You mean like every day until they are 18?
2 1/2. "If your child vomits from crying too hard, calmly clean up the throw up and leave the room". What am I, a fucking Hitler? I feel bad for the non-related to me drunks throwing up at 3am outside the bar. Imagine how I feel about my non-verbal, teary up, "Why are you doing this to me?" BABY.
3. Every book I read has "No cry" or "Easy" in their title, but by chapter 3 I always realize that it is not the case. FYI: Some of us work, so no, I cannot chart every time my daughter rubs her eyes.
4. Only sleep training can make two college educated, smart, patient parents feel like a complete powerless idiots.
5. It's mind bugling to me how can anyone wake up at 5am, never stop moving and still have problems falling asleep at 9pm.
6. I would agree to gain a 100 pounds if in return I will get 8 hours of continuous sleep EVERY night WITH my husband in OUR bed ALONE. Too bad I will no longer fit in that bed.
7. I was scared shitless when I read on internet that some kids still wake up 2-3 times a night at 3, 5, 7 years old. Should of adopted a 16 year old. I heard they sleep till 2pm.
8. I want my money back for every soother, nighttime CD and comfort blanket I bought in the last year. I fell for all of you.
9. When I daydream at work, it's always the same: nursery on the 3rd Floor of my modest mansion and "Tori and Dean's" nanny is carrying our girl away for the night as I open a nice bottle of red.
10. Maybe sleep problems is the way to keep this world from being overpopulated, because if we didn't have them people would have 10-15 kids each.
Please feel free to comment and give me advice or take my daughter for a week and sleep train her.