So, what did I learn about baby/toddler sleep and sleep training?
1. It's an oxymoron.
2. Every sleep method I read has a small print "This might not work if your child is teething, going through a milestone or any additional change". You mean like every day until they are 18?
2 1/2. "If your child vomits from crying too hard, calmly clean up the throw up and leave the room". What am I, a fucking Hitler? I feel bad for the non-related to me drunks throwing up at 3am outside the bar. Imagine how I feel about my non-verbal, teary up, "Why are you doing this to me?" BABY.
3. Every book I read has "No cry" or "Easy" in their title, but by chapter 3 I always realize that it is not the case. FYI: Some of us work, so no, I cannot chart every time my daughter rubs her eyes.
4. Only sleep training can make two college educated, smart, patient parents feel like a complete powerless idiots.
5. It's mind bugling to me how can anyone wake up at 5am, never stop moving and still have problems falling asleep at 9pm.
6. I would agree to gain a 100 pounds if in return I will get 8 hours of continuous sleep EVERY night WITH my husband in OUR bed ALONE. Too bad I will no longer fit in that bed.
7. I was scared shitless when I read on internet that some kids still wake up 2-3 times a night at 3, 5, 7 years old. Should of adopted a 16 year old. I heard they sleep till 2pm.
8. I want my money back for every soother, nighttime CD and comfort blanket I bought in the last year. I fell for all of you.
9. When I daydream at work, it's always the same: nursery on the 3rd Floor of my modest mansion and "Tori and Dean's" nanny is carrying our girl away for the night as I open a nice bottle of red.
10. Maybe sleep problems is the way to keep this world from being overpopulated, because if we didn't have them people would have 10-15 kids each.
Please feel free to comment and give me advice or take my daughter for a week and sleep train her.
Ahh, to sleep for 8 hours in the same bed as my husband...we can all dream. And yes, if my 15 month old manages to sleep though the night, my 4-year old will invariably have a nightmare so I STILL cant sleep!
ReplyDeleteAh yes after waking up at 4:30 every morning for the past 3m (of course after already being up several times to soothe the wiggle monster) this gives me some reassurance that its going to get better... I often fantasize about getting a babysitter just to take a nap
ReplyDeleteI have no answers/advice/wisdom but I can totally empathize. I'm so there with a 9 month monster in my bed. that takes 3 bottles a night. 3 STILL!
ReplyDeletethank you for this one! This post made me feel so validated for all my emotions...my little one is a horrible napper and will sleep 3hours in a row at night...but after that wakes up every hour. If only I knew what was keeping her awake!!
ReplyDeleteI love your top tens, keep them coming!
oh! the joys of 2 or 3 nights of full sleep...then, the monster remembers how comfy is mom's and dad's bed and the nightmare beggins all over again, this time with more wake ups and crying, I think they do it to get their strength back, lol
ReplyDeleteKarina (IAP)
My favorite sleep training tip...put them down in their crib drowsy... do these people even have kids?
ReplyDeleteflowerschild
IAP
2 1/2!!! exactly what you said. thanks!!
ReplyDeleteI firmly believe that moms who claim their baby sleeps through the night are liars or delusional or define "through the night" as 4 hours.
ReplyDeletethis is really funny. I can relate to you hunni, bradley doesnt sleep either,
ReplyDeletekristalsfirst IAP
Oh my gosh.... I am not alone in this struggle! I'm comforted to find your post. Our 18-mth-old needs less sleep than I do! I'm 44 and have already raised two children, who didn't have sleep problems; now am remarried and we are blessed with our little girl, but everything I learned from raising two other children, plus all I learned while running a registered home daycare for 8 years.... none of it helps! She just doesn't need sleep, and I thought I was the only one going thru this until I found your post.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right (and funny). My 17 month old is a horrible sleeper. He still wants bottles during the night. I refuse to sleep train primarily bc I think it's cruel and secondly bc everyone who has recommended it to me has fucked up kids. As for the sleep advisers, as well as the AAP: I doubt that many of these people have ever had kids.
ReplyDeleteNatalie, NYC