TOP 10 THINGS THAT PARENTS DO THAT PISS ME OFF

I've always been very sensitive to aggression. It doesn't matter if it's a bar fight or a boxing match, I look in horror and almost always cry afterwards. Not because I am scared, but because someone is getting hurt. Recently, photographers caught Liv Tyler getting in a fight with a woman at the playground. Apparently, the woman was smacking a toddler and screaming at him. I started to think how many times I wanted to say something, but felt like it was not my place. So here are things that piss me off...just in case I didn't say it to your face.

1. Hitting a child.

2. Hitting a child.

3. Hitting a child.

4. Smoking at the playground.

5. Threatening over and over again with no visible results.

6. Screaming and cursing.

7. Talking on a cell phone for HOURS.

8. Belittling your child in manner of "Why are you so stupid?"

9. Calling your child names.

10. Not noticing when they are trying so desperately to be good so they can get your attention.

TOP 10 REASONS WHY MY HUSBAND IS OFFICIALLY THE BEST DAD EVER.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY LANE!

1. I strongly believe that in the last year he changed more diapers than I have. He is on a constant mission of keeping her dry. He takes 20 minutes to change one diaper, but does it with such attention to detail that it should be posted on his resume.

2. If she wakes up at night, he comforts her, so I can function at work. When I attempt to help, he kicks me out of the nursery over and over again.

3. He takes her to daycare and picks her up even thou it's a 20 minute walk one way. I know every woman in the neighborhood blushes with envy when he strolls proudly with his little girl. 

4. He shaves just so that he can give her kisses without hurting her.

5. He washes her bottles so meticulously that you would think they were dropped off at the nuclear waste plant instead of daycare.

6. His eyes light up every time he talks about "his girls".

7. He is on her constant snot control, always armed with Kleenexes, q-tips and snot suckers.

8. He takes her to the park and follows her around like a fool. One day I watched them secretly and wondered what I did to deserve someone so awesome.

9. He doesn't spend weekends drinking beer and watching football. He just hangs out with us ready to help at any given moment.

10. With everything he does, he humbly would deny every compliment about his parenting skills and secretly thinks that he sucks as a dad.

TOP 10 THINGS I WILL NOT MISS ABOUT BABYHOOD.

Well, Amelie is turning 1 soon and I cannot be happier. Althou I am a  huge fan of my girl, I was not a fan of the baby stage. Of course I will miss her baby smell, morning sweet breath on my face and her tiny little hand repeatedly pulling on my arm as I am feeding her the bottle, but here are some things I can defiantly live without.:) 

1. Anything that is associated with the word or sound of "colic".

2. Worrying about SIDS.

3. Cleaning 34825662 Dr. Brown Bottles. They have more parts than NASA shuttle.

4. Trying to open any door while holding her in one arm with 3 bags in the other.

5. Examining her shit like it's some kind of scientific project.

6. Soothers and their creepy lullabies songs.

7. Waking up EVERY time just as I drift into a deep sleep.

8. Stupid baby milestones and questions and expectations that come with it.

9. Reading all those baby books and realizing that 90% of them are bull shit.

10. Folding those tiny tiny onesies, 100s of them.

TOP 10 KID MOVIES OF ALL TIMES ...IN MY HUMBLE OPINION

1. ET

2. Ratatouille

3. Wall-E

4. Star Wars

5. Wallace and Gromit: Curse of Were-Rabbit

6. Chicken Run

7. Finding Nemo

8. The Incredibles

9. Edward Scissorhands

10. Amelie

CAN'T WAIT to see "Up"

TOP 10 WAYS SOME EXTRA MONEY WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE. FUCK YOU RECESSION.

1. Ordering take out instead of running home after work, clipping coupons, running to the store with a stroller, waiting in line, cooking dinners 4 days in advance...

2. Have someone clean my house once a week instead of nightly entertainment of watching my daughter eat dog's hair balls.

3. Seeing a movie in a movie theater with popcorn and a coke.

4. Having my laundry done. How do they fold it so perfectly and make it smell like spring?

5. Having my eyebrows done, instead of ripping half of it myself with my coordination handicap.

6. Getting membership to Apple Seeds http://www.appleseedsnyc.com/

7. Getting a haircut after 3 years of putting my hair up. Messy hair bun is not a style.

8. Buying toys for my daughter instead of taking her to Toys R Us, letting her play with them and then putting them back.

9. Going on vacation further than my back yard.

10. Massage by a guy named Sven.

With all that said...I am the happiest just being healthy and loved. I don't need all this other crap.:)

TOP 10 REASONS WHY BEING AN OLDER MOTHER KICKS ASS

1. My body was going to shit as it is, pregnancy just gave it a little push.

2. Instead of losing it completely for the first 6 weeks of babyhood in my 20s, I only had a few complete nervous breakdowns in my 30s.

3. I had 10 years to make sure that my husband will make a decent father and not leave me with a colicy baby to do shots at a local "Hooters" 

4. I stopped wishing of being a celebrity, model or a rich heiress and was happy just being healthy and loved. 

5. By 30s everything that needed to be, was out of my system.

6. I never wanted to be my daughter's "best girlfriend" Lindsay Lohan style. 

7. I appreciate the miracle of having healthy turkey ball of a child so much more and therefore welcome the work that comes with it.

8. I will never be able to nag my daughter with "When I was your age.." because I will simply not remember.

9. Flirting with her future boyfriends would be over the top disgusting, especially since she will start dating at 30.

10. When I pick her up from school in the future, parents will whisper "Her grandmother surely IS hot".

TOP 10 THINGS I THOUGHT ABOUT KIDS BEFORE I BECAME A PARENT

1. They slept a lot and late. I got to wake THEM up and then relax on the bed for hours of parenting bliss.

2. They slept in their cribs OF COURSE. Where else?

3. They cooed.

4. They had teeth from the second they came out.

5. They sat and played quietly while I read a world history book.

6. They stared lovenly into my eyes as we both rocked in a hammock for hours.

7. They talked full sentences around 6 months.

8. They stayed in restricted safe area without any problems.

9. They never threw tantrums. Only spoiled kids with bad parents do that.

10. They let me have perfect hair, SKIRT and manicured nails, like moms in diaper commercials do.

TOP 10 THINGS YOU DO NOW THAT MELT MY HEART.

1. Attachment to my leg no matter where I am standing.

2. Your little silly dance when ice cream truck passes by.

3. The look of mischief on your face as you destroy something of value.

4. Shut lip cry when you don't want to eat anymore.

5. Conversations with Baby Einstein puppets on TV.

6. First "hug" in the morning.

7. Your naked butt crawling away as I am trying to change your diaper.

8. Sleepy, continuous eye rub right before your bed time.

9. Your warm, sweet smelling hands playing with my necklace.

10. The way your lips smack around when you sleep.

TOP 10 WAYS NOT TO SUCK AT YOUR JOB WHEN YOU GROW UP (from what I hear:))

1. Pick a hobby. Get passionate about it. Figure out how to make money with it.
2. Intern. It will give you experience and feel of the company.
3. NEVER complain about your work load. Nobody cares. People just want their shit done.
4. Be nice to all the assistants, mail room staff, IT guys and receptionists. They know everything and will help you if needed. Buy them lunch..and often.:)
5. Don't sleep with your co-workers...unless you are directing Johnny Depp movie.
6. Don't discuss your personal life. The less people know about you, the more intimidating you are appear to be.
7. Don't kiss your boss's ass. It's uncomfortable for both of you. Just do you job ridiculously well.
8. Ask for a raise...if you deserve it. Always have plan B just in case.
9. Educate yourself constantly in your field. Attend seminars, classes and read as much as you can.
10. Contacts. Use them and return every phone call you receive.
10 1/2. If all fails... go on reality show, make tons of money and retire.