TOP 10 TRADITIONS I WOULD LIKE TO ESTABLISH WITH MY KID.

1. Macy's parade balloons the night before everyone sees them.

2. French toast and berries on Christmas morning.

3. Her buying a small christmas gift to someone in need...from her piggy bank.

4. Reading to each other out loud.

5. Saturday cartoons while I cook HUGE family breakfast.

6. Always staying up past 12 on New Years Eve.

7. Saying a blessing before dinner.

8. Sleeping in the tent in the backyard at least once a summer no matter how old she gets.

9. Visiting her family and knowing them well.

10. Bedtime stories that only two of us will know.

so many more to come...

TOP 10 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME.

This entry is an open invitation to anyone from Pixar Animation to come for a drink to my house at anytime that they desire. You see, I saw "Up" this weekend and the pleasure of returning to my childhood for spectacular 90 minutes of brilliant story telling was priceless. Drink is the least that I can do. I can't wait to see my daughter's eyes light "Up" when she sees this masterpiece in the years to come. Thank you Pixar and in the honor of the main grouchy character of the film here is... "top 10 things that annoy me".

1. Commercials with people who are overly excited about their cleaning products or the general idea of "cleaning".

2. Women who ask "How old do you think I am?"

3. New Yorkers who eat fried Chicken or anything that has a bone in it on a subway.

4. Any piece of written word that ends in "xoxo".

5. Men who wear gold jewelry of any kind with an exception of a wedding band.

6. People who snap their fingers at waiters and/or tip below 20%.

7. Itchy clothing labels.

8. Conversations about weather.

9. Lipstick on the white coffee mug at a diner. Extra annoyance points if it's not mine and 1980s "pink".

10. Mariah Carey.

P.S. I apologize to both of my readers for not writing for a while. If you would like to protest my silence and tell me to get off my ass and write more often...feel free to do so for it will inspire me greatly.:)

TOP 10 THINGS I DREAM ABOUT.

My morning started by waking up to a funny smell and a "pleasant" discovery of slimy dog diarrhea dragged all over my house by a crazy and senile cocker spaniel's paws. Beating the clock, half naked and blind without contacts I proceeded to step in some of it and then neurotically cleaning everything, while intensely gagging at the same time. Just before I contemplated of setting my house on fire, my daughter woke up in the mood to match the diarrhea in the plastic, tied up bag. She also felt the need to announce it to the whole entire block with the screams that can only be described as "heart wrenching" . Dishes, breakfast, finding matching socks, 35 teary "Good byes" at the door, husband with the "burning eyes and throat"...I am off to work. Subway...15 minutes late, but I got a seat only to realize too late that the sticky wet mass on it was exactly the reason WHY it was empty in the first place. At 9:52am, sliding pass my boss 20 minutes late...I spent the rest of the day daydreaming about below.

1. Once a month dropping my daughter off with "Mary Poppins like" relative and then picking her up at noon the next day. Sleeping in past 8am.

2. In the morning, leisurely having my coffee in a sitting down position instead of standing and constantly holding it above my head while being attacked by a cute toddler monster.

3. Getting my haircut, feet massaged, gray roots colored...and any other service that makes me feel somewhat like a woman.

4. Watching something that doesn't teach me how to count.

5. Just once making it to work on time.

6. Having crisp clean sheets like people in "my kid is jumping on our bed while I am making pancakes in silk PJs" commercials. You know the ones without baby fluids and diaper cream stains.

7. After getting those magical sheets, creating "closed bedroom door policy" forever.

8. Having a cleaning lady who will also cook for us just for fun.

9. Getting my sticking out stomach to switch places with my completely flat boobs.

10. And of course...world peace.

TOP 10 DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS MOTHERS DON'T MENTION

1. How much you long to feel pretty again.
2. Just how much sex you are NOT having after the birth of the baby.
3. Your kid still wakes up at 3am...and he is 5.
4. You hate that everyone ONLY asks you about "the baby".
5. There are moments you do not like your kid at all.
6. You secretly wish she will inherit some of your personality traits and not your husband's.
7. You regret not waiting longer to have a kid.
8. You don't give rat's ass about effects of TV on your child as long as it gives you some peace and quite.
9. When you watch devastating commercials of kids with cancer, you think to yourself "Thank God my kid is healthy".
10. You secretly compare your kid to others and your body to every other mother's at the playground.

TOP 10 THINGS I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHILE WRITING MY IMAGINARY WILL

I have been sick for the last week. The kind of sick when you start making up your will in your head and then realize that there is nothing in your will, but outstanding bills. I cried, I bargained with God, I burnt in fever. I went to a very dark place. Your life looks very different when you are not feeling well. While I was contemplating what's the wording on my tombstone should be :), I watched "Oprah" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7s89ptz0dA or I drifted in and out of consciousness through the show. It was about Copenhagen, Denmark and why it is where "the happiest people in the world" live. It made me think about all the changes that the people of this great country would appreciate, changes that make people happy in a small country like Denmark. Here are some of them...without any political agenda.

1. Universal Health Care
Please don't call me a "socialist", because believe me as a Russian citizen I KNOW what that means. All I am asking for is that on top of the beautiful choices this country provides, there should be a simple guarantee that no one will need to choose between getting their family in debt or DYING. It's a simple human right.

2. More disease prevention services.
Government sponsored programs that teach prevention, provide free mammograms and other medical screenings.

3. 1 year of maternity leave.
It's truly insane to have a need to choose whether you should go back to work after 12 weeks or sacrifice your hard won career to stay home.

4. Cheap or free daycare.
Do I pay for daycare, which is almost the cost of my paycheck or do I stay home and clip coupons, while my husband has small heart attacks from all the pressure of bringing home the money.

5. Assigned "on call" nurse for the first 3 months of a baby's life.
Not all of us are lucky to have our parents come and help us in those trying times. You are exhausted, sleep deprived and still in shock from labor. It would be nice to be able to call someone for help if only for an hour.

6. 40 hour work week.
I am lucky to have that, but I see a lot of people who get offered a certain salary and then added "but there is a lot of overtime". We live in a time when you feel guilty leaving the office to be with your family ON TIME.

7. OPTION of free higher education.
It's not a good start of your professional young life when you get out of college already with a huge debt or worse, join the army risking your life so you have a chance at a brighter future for free.

8. Required internship programs.
If you ARE paying thousands to get that degree, there should be a way to find out exactly what that job in theory looks like in reality.

9. Travel abroad.
80% of Americans do not have a passport. Enough said.

10. Consume less, enjoy life more.

I would like to also mention that people in Denmark pay 50% of their salary in taxes but after getting everything above plus 4 years of unemployment at 90% of your salary....ask me if I care.

TOP 10 WAYS I KEEP MYSELF RELATIVELY SANE AND ...HAPPY

As a nation, we are overworked, completely stressed out, depression drug overused and simply...unhappy. This is how I am fighting back.

1. I don't clean. Of course there is the general dishes and laundry upkeep (I am not an animal), but my house generally looks like an organized disaster. I could give rat's ass about my dirty floors if instead I get an hour of care free time with my family.

2. I don't cook. Well...I cook once a week. On Sunday, I send my better 2/3 to the park for 3 hours, blast off way inappropriate for my age music and cook for the whole entire week. It's therapeutic and all I have to do for the rest of the week is pour a glass of wine with my warmed up dinner.

3. I have a standing date with one of my friends. Once a week, I spend a care free evening wine drinking and gossiping with my friend Lisa. We've being doing this for years and somehow we still manage to non stop talk for hours on that one night.

4. Once in a while I call in sick just to stay home with my husband while our girl is in daycare. We have a huge breakfast, go to the movies or simply stay in bed. After my boss reads this, I might have whole bunch of those days coming up, also known as "unemployment".:)

4 1/2. To immediately cover my ass:)...I love my job and people I work with. It's true and it's a very important aspect of my sanity. Everytime I get stressed out, I remind myself that generally I get paid to be around very cool people who do very cool shit for living.

5. When my daughter wakes up around 8 on the weekends, we put in "Sesame street" DVD on repeat, give her some snacks with milk and go back to bed for another blissful hour.

6. I buy a lottery ticket a couple of times a week. Just one at a time. The pleasure I get from day dreaming about winning all those millions and moving to Tuscany with my family is well worth $1.

7. I listen to my I-Pod. Subway, close my eyes, music... It is simply my #1 drug.

8. I pray. I do. Every day. Mostly, just to say "thank you".

9. I eat my dinner AFTER my daughter goes to bed. Yes, it's late by american standards, but the anticipation of adult conversation, slow chewing and wine sipping makes kiddie bedtime routine that much stricter and more organized. P.S. Extra points if you serve your dinner on the fancy plates.

10. I get on all fours and chase my girl around the house every chance I get. Something about her squeaking and non stop laughing makes me forget about work, recession and that dirty bathroom.

TOP 10 REASONS WHY RAISING CHILDREN "MAD MEN" STYLE IS A PIECE OF CAKE.

1. It's hard to notice any discipline flaws through the cloud of smoke and haze of alcohol.
2. "Parent conference" takes place in bed, while you are banging the teacher.
3. "Staying at home mom" has a new ring to it when someone else is watching your kids, cleaning your house and making your meals.
4. Communication with your kids is limited to "Go play".
5. Positive reinforcement takes effect when you get your daddy's martini right.
6. It's hard to disobey your mom when she goes outside with a rifle and shoots for the fun of it.
7. The kids are REALLY calm and relaxed since their mom smoked and drank 90% of her pregnancy.
8. Parenting is more fun when you leave your wife for the woman your daughter's age.
9. Milestones are irrelevant since neither of the parents know how old the kids are, where the school is or how to get there.
10. Quality time with your daughter is spent installing night light in her room so you will not have to be disturbed by her frightened crying.

TOP 10 RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT "MY MONKEY BABY"

I wasn't feeling well yesterday, so my judgement was even more clouded than usual. To make the time pass before "does it get any better?" "Mad Men", I made an emotionally fatal mistake by watching "My monkey baby". TLC's new found gem is the show about people who get a monkey and then treat it as their baby. Enough said. Here are a few parts of the show that emotionally scarred me for life.

1. Putting lipstick and eye shadow on your monkey after realizing that she is a teenager now.

2. Introducing your 2 week old "baby" to your two huge pitbulls.

3. Sloppy mouth to mouth kissing between a 70 year old and (yes, you guessed it) her pet monkey.

4. Selecting a number of girl dresses and then proceeding to try them on on her with the statements like "This one is only $28".

5. Putting your "baby" in a stroller and then going to a restaurant, while pointing out that she behaves better than other children.

6. Putting your monkey in a will.

7. Celebrating her birthday with cake, balloons and wrapped up stuffed monkey as one of her many presents.

8. Calling your psychic after a climatic discovery of missing anti-depressants to see if the monkey ate them. Next camera shot... monkey dozing off on her "mother's" shoulder.

9. Continuous high pitch screaming "Are you taking your panties off?", as your ape franticly scratching off her diaper.

10. Soothing your "baby" with a monkey DVD before she drifts off to sleep.

With that said... I am a lucky one. I wanted to have a kid one day and I have one. My heart bleeds a little knowing that all these women really wanted to have kids and just couldn't. As creepy, bazaar and delusional the show is...I am not the one to judge. I am just pointing out the extreme of it all that should be replaced with a healthy dose of much needed therapy.

TOP 10 THINGS I UNDERSTAND ABOUT MY PARENTS NOW THAT I AM ONE MYSELF

1. How much they crave my affection and still need to hear that I need them.

2. How much it hurt when I screamed "I wish I was never born" at a "I know it all" age of 14.

3. How hard it was to say "ok" when I decided to live abroad.

4. Why they always assumed the worst when I didn't call for a couple of weeks.

5. Why my husband will never be quite good enough no matter how much they love him.

6. Why my mother couldn't sleep sometimes simply "worrying".

7. How heartbroken they were when they missed my wedding and the birth of their granddaughter.

8. Why they keep my room just the way I left it...18 years ago.

9. Why my mother gets jealous of mine and dad's "bond".

10. How vulnerable the last 36 years have been for them.

TOP 10 DIFFERENCES A YEAR MAKES.

A year ago my daughter was 2 months old. She was never a tender, cooing baby and I was never a picture perfect doting mother. We were both exhausted, foreign to each other and wondering when will this babyhood insanity will stop for both of us. Around that time I saw a dad on a street who had 14 month old twins. We talked briefly and I remember asking him "When will I feel better, I mean... much better?". He answered "After about a year". In horror, his words lingered in my mind. At that point my life was on hour to hour basis. I simply couldn't imagine even making it through a year, forget enjoying anything after. Well, here I am, I survived to write about it. So, for all the mothers, who are crying in the shower, exhausted, sore and sleep-deprived a few months after birth...top 10 differences a year make.

1. They sleep. Forget 5 hour definition of "sleeping through the night" created obviously by a non parent. Majority sleep 11-12 hours STRAIGHT.

2. After a year you will "know" your kid, following their signs like a well studied map. No longer will you need to watch Oprah to identify your baby's cry. They will show you what hurts and what do they want.

3. They eat like humans and I strongly believe that if you don't give them more than 2 choices at one meal (if that), they will learn to eat anything you give them. If the sweetest thing they ever have is an apple, an apple would become a treat to them.

4. They walk. I heard people tell me "Enjoy this stage, because once they walk...". Are you kidding me? I love this "walking thing". No longer do I have to bend over like a human pretzel while holding both of her hands... or watch her get sad following running kids on the playground with her eyes, instead of playing with them... or panic about what to do with her, when I am struggling to open my apartment door.

5. They have enough attention span to watch a cartoon or read a book or simply entertain themselves for an hour. And just you wait until the day that she will bring you a book and then climb into your lap. Your heart will simply melt.

6. They follow simple directions. Only a few more months until "Go get mommy a bottle of wine from the corner store.":)

6.5. Speaking of wine. You start having it again... over dinner, with your husband, with your friends. Then you look in the mirror and start recognizing that woman that you once were with clear laughing eyes, beautiful smile and matching shoes.

7. They have personality and it's nothing that you might expect. While my daughter already has my dry sense of humor by laughing at the dog bumping her head on the wall, she also puts scarfs around her neck to play "princess" (something that truly horrifies me).

8. You are undeniably and enthusiastically their favorite person EVER and they let you know that constantly by hiding behind your legs or squeaking in delight every time you enter a room.

9. They hug in the purest, most sincere way and believe me, you will know the difference between requested hug and the hug they give you just because.

10. They make you want to have another one, something that you swore you will never do again.

TOP 10 REASONS TO LOOK FORWARD TO THE FALL

1. All these 500 "She needs it!" jackets you bought her in the summer months.

2. Little, tiny rain boots.

3. Halloween candy for you.

4. Photographs with fallen leaves on the ground and your kid, wearing her 36th fall jacket and those little, tiny rain boots.

5. Red wine when it's 55 degrees outside.

6. Empty playgrounds.

7. My husband, big cloud like blanket and new fall reality show line up.

8. Scarfs and perfume...all kinds and every day.

9. Clothes that I can breath out in...until spring.

10. Rain - natural baby soother.

TOP 10 RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT "SUPERNANNY" SHOW.

1. The first 10 minutes are always the best, because no matter who you are, you watch in horror and think to yourself "Thank God, these are NOT my kids", "Thank God I never had kids" or "Do they have death penalty in that state just in case I accidently kill those kids?"

2. 15 minutes into the show you are crying like a baby with their mother, who looks like she hasn't showered or looked in the mirror since the last one was conceived.

3. My strong opinion is that kids quiet down and listen to Joe (I can't believe I know her name), because they have no idea what she is actually saying and it's like trying to break a secret pirate's code for them, for which you have to be very, very quiet.

4. I love little cute charts Joe creates, but I always wonder how a mother who hasn't had time to pee in the last 3 years will find the time to create those in 167 different colors.

5. You really understand the term "outnumbered" when 2 parents try to chase down 3 kids over and over again to CARRY them to bed. Like a dying seagull, they desperately spread their arms in attempt of covering much needed territory and catching at least one followed shortly by falling flat on their face.

6. Memo to my growing up daughter who is reading this top 10 list - if you ever say "you are a bitch" to me, you will be send to live with your distant relatives in Siberia...and there will be no second or first warning.

7. I don't think there is anything more frustrating in this world than a kid sliding out of your arms like an oiled up noodle while screaming on top of their lungs and kicking you at the same time.

8. I wonder if she ever uses the term "naughty chair" outside the show. Ew, no, I really don't.

9. I love parents who announce on the show that they are pregnant...again. People, you are on "Supernanny" show. It's time to take a break and figure out the first 6 kids you had back to back. It's like announcing on Jerry Springer show that you are moving deeper in the mountains of Kentucky. And when do you have time to have sex anyways?

10. Something tells me I will be on that show one day.

TOP 10 QUALITIES THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO ME IN LIFE.

I encountered something this weekend that made my chest swell up with pride and eyes - with tears. At 13 months, as expected, my girl is not talking yet at all, she just started walking, she might be behind of some overachieving toddlers, whose mothers claim that they speak in full sentences and run marathons... and I don't really care. All this other stuff will come, but one thing that makes me already proud, is that my silly girl is KIND. I took her to the playground and since she can't move as fast as her much older peers, she is often left behind, so she started to pick up toys from underneath her stroller and giving them out. She would literally walk to a random kid and give him/her her toy. It broke my heart watching her do that. She sincerely wanted them to have it and maybe play with her too. I know there will come a day when she will scream "Mine!" but for now I love her for her innocent and complete kindness. So, I started thinking about qualities that matter to me in life that I would love for her to have. Here they are:

1. Kindness.

2. Sense of humor.

3. Eagerness to learn.

4. Great work ethic.

5. Humbleness.

6. Respect.

7. Good sense of timing.

8. Appreciation of what you have.

9. Uniqueness.

10. Child like silliness.

TOP 10 KIDS SONGS THAT MAKE ME WANT TO SHOOT MY BRAINS OUT

1. "I am the map..."

2. "I love you, you love me..." 

3. "The wheels on the bus"

4. "99 bottles..." 

5. "It's small world after all". 

6. "If you happy and you know it"

7. "The sun will come out...tomorrow"

8. "mmm bop" 

9. "The chicken dance". 

10. "I am a little tea pot". 

TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT BABY PAGEANTS.

As an act of self mutilation, I watched an episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" on "Estrogen" Network. The ugliness of it all haunted me ever since. So, lets unleash my hatred, shall we?:)

1. There is something borderline sexually abusive about a 3 year old wearing a tiny bikini and shaking her hips on a fake tan body. Isn't that what we did on a spring break in our 20s to get WRONG guys SEXUALLY attracted to us?

2. Parents leading in a group prayer before their child takes the stage, I have news for you. You just took a perfect God's creation and decorated it to your liking like a cheesy Barbie doll. I am sure God has more important things to do than reward your child with a 16 foot trophy for screwing up with his genius work. 

3. Why do you make your daughter walk like this? It's like a half walk, half hop with a perfect 20 degree shoulder rotation. Am I not getting it? Should I be walking like this?

4. Look around you parents. No one comes to these stupid events but you, your immediate, brain washed family and a couple of suspicious looking guys with oversized coats on their laps. Who are you trying to impress?

5. Let's do the math. Dress - $1000. Coaching - $60 a session. Dance lessons - $60 a session. Photoshoot - $500. Hotel, travel, FAKE TEETH, sugar packets, wigs and fake eyelashes - $2764.00. Prize for the first place - $5000. Don't tell me you doing this to save money for her college, because it just does not add up.

6. You know all those beauty products we spend a fortune on? They all promise us "baby smooth skin". So why are you caking your perfect daughter's face with foundation, concealers, powders and clown like blush?

7. The most beautiful thing about a child is her innocence, imagination and her ability to look at the world in a CHILD like way. When you are dressing your daughter in a leather cop uniform with attached HANDCUFFS and make her imitate arrest...you are robbing her of all three.

8. Look at the pageant headshots of your daughter...now look at her when she is peacefully sleeping after a day of playing outside? See ANY similarities? Didn't think so.

9. How do you compete in a newborn division? I didn't know there was a standard of "beauty" even before your cord dried up and fell off. My hat goes off to the mothers thou. At 6 weeks past birth I haven't showered or eaten yet. They already managed to create high expectations for their newborns.

10. Instead of all the time spent "rehearsing" for a unnatural, mechanical, fake routine...turn the music on and let her silly dance her own way, kiss her bare, naturally rosie cheeks and let her run naked in the sprinklers. Now, THAT is beautiful.

TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNT ABOUT BABY/TODDLER SLEEP TRAINING

This post is inspired by seeing the light (3 nights of sleeping straight through) and then having that light cruelly taken away from us (last 3 nights awake 2-3 times a night). I apologize if I sound a little hopeless, angry and sad, but after 13 months, reading every book on the market, having amazing routine and trying CIO in a New York apartment the size of a shoe box...me and my husband thought things would be a little different.

So, what did I learn about baby/toddler sleep and sleep training?

1. It's an oxymoron.

2. Every sleep method I read has a small print "This might not work if your child is teething, going through a milestone or any additional change". You mean like every day until they are 18?

2 1/2. "If your child vomits from crying too hard, calmly clean up the throw up and leave the room". What am I, a fucking Hitler? I feel bad for the non-related to me drunks throwing up at 3am outside the bar. Imagine how I feel about my non-verbal, teary up, "Why are you doing this to me?" BABY.

3. Every book I read has "No cry" or "Easy" in their title, but by chapter 3 I always realize that it is not the case. FYI: Some of us work, so no, I cannot chart every time my daughter rubs her eyes.

4. Only sleep training can make two college educated, smart, patient parents feel like a  complete powerless idiots.

5. It's mind bugling to me how can anyone wake up at 5am, never stop moving and still have problems falling asleep at 9pm.

6. I would agree to gain a 100 pounds if in return I will get 8 hours of continuous sleep EVERY night WITH my husband in OUR bed ALONE. Too bad I will no longer fit in that bed.

7. I was scared shitless when I read on internet that some kids still wake up 2-3 times a night at 3, 5, 7 years old.  Should of adopted a 16 year old. I heard they sleep till 2pm.

8. I want my money back for every soother, nighttime CD and comfort blanket I bought in the last year. I fell for all of you.

9. When I daydream at work, it's always the same: nursery on the 3rd Floor of my modest mansion and "Tori and Dean's" nanny is carrying our girl away for the night as I open a nice bottle of red.

10. Maybe sleep problems is the way to keep this world from being overpopulated, because if we didn't have them people would have 10-15 kids each.

Please feel free to comment and give me advice or take my daughter for a week and sleep train her.

 

TOP 10 MEAN CARDS.

I came across this brilliant website http://www.meancards.com/ that suits my sarcastic, dark ass just fine. They didn't have a lot in the "baby" section, so I am adding some.

1. "I am sorry your kid looks like you."

2. "Your family is just like Jolie-Pitt's minus talent, money and looks."

3. "Sorry you had to sleep with your husband to get pregnant."

4. "I booked you on the Maury show"

5. "Stop sending me your kid's pictures."

6. "Let's practice waving "Bye-bye" with your kid."

7. "I am sorry your life is over."

8. "You are not pregnant in your ass."

9. "Let's talk about your labor...never."

10. "Way to teach your kid about lower expectations."

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TOP 10 OF MY PROMISES TO YOU.

1. I will never hit you.

2. I will send you to college.

3. I will not care if you are gay.

4. I will support you in your passion even if I don't completely understand it.

5. I will only lie to protect you.

6. I will always love your father.

7. I will never be ok with you doing drugs.

8. I will always have a place for you to come home to.

8 1/2. You will have to pay rent after you are 18.

9. I will not compare my life to yours.

10. I will not be a burden to you when I am old.

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TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNT ABOUT BEING "MARRIED WITH CHILDREN"

I've been together with my husband for 12 years. In those 12 years we disagreed or fought maybe 10 times...8 of those fights happened after Amelie was born. If he was not the coolest person and the only one to tolerate my shit, I believe these numbers would of been much much higher, so...

Here are things that helped us survive the first year of "Married with children".

1. Appreciate each other and vocalize it often. If he changes the diaper, instead of "Finally!" say "Thank you".

2. When it gets too much and you haven't slept or showered in days, put your hands down and laugh together even if it's through the  tears. It's too f**ked up to do anything else. 

3. Make a list of things that made you say "Yes" when he proposed. Read it often.

4. Do one small thing a day for each other, no matter how little. My husband makes me an egg sandwich every morning to take to work. No jewelry in the world can replace that.

5. Don't bring too many outsiders into your problems. Solve what you need to privately. 

6. Slap each other's ass once in a while in passing. Sex will follow...one day. 

7. If you can't get out together, make a date in. Better plates, bottle of wine, "Entourage".

8. Give each other a break, especially if you have no family help. Me and my husband operated in three our shifts until the crying monster disappeared at about 6 months of age.

9. If you do fight, fight about what really bothers you. Don't bring other topics into the mix.

10. If all fails and you are angry, frustrated and hate each others guts for that moment...look at your kid. You made that, it's yours and you freaking it out by screaming at each other.

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TOP 10 THINGS I CHOOSE NOT TO WORRY ABOUT.

1. Her not walking yet.

I am yet to find a resume that states "Walked before 10 months old".

2. Not finishing every last bite on her plate.

If I lived by kid's rule "Finished when full", that bikini might still fit.

3. Not sending her to fancy shmansy $20.000 a year kindergarden.

How do you say "I pooped" in Latin? Who cares.

4. That 17 year old babysitter with extra perky everything.

If "John and Kate plus 8" taught us anything...he will leave if he wants to leave. There is nothing you can do about it.

5. Letting dirty laundry mix in with clean and sit there while I sip my wine.

Four nights in the same PJs. I call it "comfort".

6. Not having a huge, overpriced birthday for my 1 year old.

It just freaks them out. Period.

7. Spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with my little family of three. 

Those family traditions have to start somewhere.

8. That woman at the playground that asked me if I was pregnant.

You are a bitch. I hate you.

9. Not giving her a little sister or a brother.

That is what imaginary friends are for.

10. Her STILL waking up in the middle of the night.

One day, very soon, she will beg me to sleep in "just 5 more minutes".

P.S. T-shirt in the picture and many others smart ass onesies are from http://www.honestbaby.com/tshirts.php

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TOP 10 THINGS MY PARENTS DID RIGHT.

1. My mom would make me listen to classical music almost daily and once in a while she would ask "What do you imagine?"

2. I was dragged with them everywhere and they never talked to me like a kid.

3. I was allowed to draw on the walls in my room to make it "my own".

4. I was punished more for lying rather than the incident I was lying about.

5. At the age of 7 they let me take public transportation and navigate my way around the city. I felt like a badass.

6. They encouraged me to be friends with boys.

7. When I was about 9, my mom moved my bed to our balcony on the 8th Floor, so I can "see the stars" in the summer. I fell asleep for about three months listening to the city and watching the sky.

8. I was taught to never, ever, NEVER interrupt an adult conversation.

9. I had very specific set of chores all my life.

10. They let me go (if only physically) when I was ready to leave.

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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE NOT 18 ANYMORE.

1. Staying up past 11 pm is "living it up".

2. When you see "Real World" (and why would you?), you think to yourself "Their poor parents..."

3. You don't do shots BEFORE going out for a drink.

4. You stop trying to get high and just hope to stay low.

5. You buy pregnancy test in hopes that you ARE pregnant.

6. You can't eat two pizzas with a 2 liter coke and call it a snack.

7. You work out for all those other silly reasons that are NOT "spring break".

8. You are no longer fantasizing about revenging your ex.

9. Not ALL of your furniture is from IKEA.

10. You get unhealthy excitement about a new cleaning product.

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TOP 10 THINGS ONLY MOTHERS DO.

1. Buy a whole new wardrobe for your kid even thou you have only one pair of jeans that fits you and it's maternity kind.

2. Sleep on the floor next to the crib with your hand permanently stuck between the railings.

3. Change diaper mid air, one handedly in the middle of Manhattan. Oh yea...it's the one right after your kid discovered plums.

4. Smell your kid's ass in public or casually stick your fingers inside the diaper for the chocolate bunny covered surprise.

5. Get a second job just so that your kid go to "that" school and keep his dream alive. 

6. Buy everything organic and grow your own garden just so that they eat the best. Meanwhile, never think twice about making ramen noodles (again) for yourself.

7. Send little "Fluffy" to the pound, because he "looked wrong" at the baby.

8. Make pancakes in the shape of Taj Mahal, just because it brings slight amusement to your child's face.

9. Go to "long line standing", "hot as monkey's ass', "overpriced", "cheesy to the point of vomit" Disney just so they can have the memories (and pictures) of happy childhood.

10. Wake up in the middle of the night worrying about your ...40 year old "kid".

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TOP 10 WAYS YOUR TODDLER IS SIMILAR TO A DRUNK.

1. Mumbles in complete gibberish.

2. Gets louder when she doesn't get her way.

3. Start fights if you tell her to behave.

4. Food never quite makes it to her mouth.

5. Falls over every 5 seconds.

6. Holds on to any poll like structure.

7. Waves to all random strangers.

8. Pees and poops herself without any guilt.

9. Always tries to make it to your bed.

10. Has no concept of how late it is.

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TOP 10 THINGS I DREAD.

1. That you will have an ordinary life.

2. That you will become sick...ever...even with a flu.

3. That you will not marry for love.

4. That you will shop for expensive designer clothes and care about your "status"

5. That you will be gorgeous and stuck up on yourself...or just stuck up on yourself.

6. That you and me will have nothing to talk about.

7. That someone will mistreat you.

8. That you will get addicted to something or someone.

9. That you will be closed minded.

10. That there ever be even a moment that you doubt my love for you.

TOP 10 REASONS "16 AND PREGNANT" REUNION DIDN'T ACCOMPLISH "DON'T GET PREGNANT" MESSAGE

After watching "16 and pregnant" reunion on MTV last night, I imagined all kinds of rebelling teenage girls with boy-friends who are just "too big" for condoms, say to their parents "See, it's not so bad" and here is why:

1. Dr. Drew (host of the show) was creepy in every possible way and looked like someone's uncle with teenage porn collection.

2. 90 minutes of out of my ass awkwardness felt like glorified sex ed class.

3. ALL the girls from the show looked better than BEFORE they gave birth.

4. ALL the girls from the show were still with their boyfriends. Yes, because THAT happens all the time.

5. 2 of them were engaged and one was MARRIED.

6. One that had no boy-friend in the picture looked great and had a mother who I am sure gets up with the kid in the middle of the night. How else would she look this good?

7. One girl actually proclaimed that having a baby at 16 made her try harder and get her career off the ground faster.

8. They all cooed about how deliciously cute their babies are.

9. One of them mentioned that she had a fantastic time at her PROM while being 9 months pregnant.

10. By the end of the show, I was actually feeling sorry for the couple of 16 year olds that gave their baby up for an adoption, because they were not in on all the "I had a baby at 16" delirious fun.

Next time MTV, get it right. All you have to say to a teenager is "You will never sleep soundly or pass 7am ever again". THAT should make them get a condom.:)

TOP 10 THINGS I AM COMING TO TERMS WITH.

1. No matter how little I eat or how much I run, I will always look about 4 months pregnant.

2. My husband will only get hotter with age as I will progressively wrinkle, sag and scare teenage boys.

3. I will never have to set my alarm clock ever again.

4. Due to my deprived communist childhood, I actually like watching kid's shows. (still can't stand Barney thou)

5. The guy from Blue's Clues is kind of hot.

6. I know "Good night moon" by heart and hum tunes from Baby Einstein videos.
6 1/2. I just had to google "einstein" to see how to spell it.

7. My daughter will hate me one day if only for a while.

8. I have it so much easier than MY mother did.

9. I rather be home with my tiny family than out doing pretty much anything else.

10. One day her teacher will say "I need to speak to your mother"...and it will be ME.

TOP 10 REASONS YOU TURNING ONE KICKED ASS.

1. Your grown up party with grapes hanging down, amazing band playing and you and me slow dancing.

2. Next morning you gave me your first real "both arms tight around my neck", "I really mean it" hug.

3. Immediately  after that we quietly sat on the couch and watched cartoons for the whole 15 minutes straight. WE were simply "hanging out".

4. You said "duck" or was it "f**k? 

5. Your eyes got a little bit wiser. I can't explain it, but they are just a little bit "sadder" than a week ago.

6. No more formula. You drink milk like a regular human.

7. Binky is firmly getting replaced by your blanket.

8. Two days ago I saw you TRY to pick your own nose. That's MY girl.

9. You reached for your dad's beer.

10. After watching "baby" footage of you last night, I didn't cry. I just thought "Man, this one year old thing is soooo much better."

TOP 10 EVENTS THAT MADE A GREAT IMPACT ON MY LIFE SO FAR

1. Your birth.

2. Fall of the communism. (yes, in that order):)

3. Immigrating to America.

4. Meeting your father.

5. Moving to New York.

6. My mother meeting you for the first time.

7. 9/11

8. Traveling abroad.

9. First time seeing our documentary with an audience.

10. Watching Luciano Pavarotti's live.

TOP 10 THINGS I WISH I CAN DO WELL SO I CAN TEACH YOU.

1. Speak French. 

It looks like your whole entire face changes when you speak french. Your cheeks sunk in, your mouth pucker up, you purr like a little velvet kitten.  Plus, you will be able to to make everyone else feel like an idiot when you order at a french restaurant.

2. Dance.

I don't mean "3am, just finished a bottle of wine, Britney Spears "Toxic" is on" kind of dancing. I mean Argentinean tango.

3. Play an instrument.

Something sad and beautiful like cello.

4. Drive a car.

Man, does your mother suck. There should be a national emergency warning when I am on the road. Thank God I live in New York City.

5. Draw.

I am insanely jealous of anyone who can draw more than Mr. Potato Head. No matter how creative I get trying to draw a person, they always end up looking like a snowman or a lamp post.

6. Cook with exotic spices.

Preferably something so exotic that I have to sunk in my cheeks and pucker up my lips to pronounce it. Salt - no, pepper - no, marjoram - oui.

7. Fly a plane.

Yes, I know...for no other reason aside from "How cool is that?"

8. Public speaking.

I've always been able to make an emotional statement about something I care about. What I am talking about is carrying a speech Barack Obama style. Composed, collected, cool.

9. Be good with money.

I wish I knew about all the 401K and investments, so our $20 saving will make it's way from underneath the mattress.

10. Be an amazing parent.

The one that people write stupid Oprah about. You know with unlimited patience, constantly great attitude, completely selfless. The one that can keep you entertained with a piece of paper for an hour and sing you self composed lullabies.

Instead, you got me...

  

TOP 10 REASONS "THE SUMMER BELONGS TO THE CHILDREN"

1. Ice Cream truck.

2. Sleeping in a tent in the backyard.

3. Chalk drawing.

4. Puddle jumping.

5. Summer Camp.

6. Outside swimming pool.

7. Bugs.

8. Fireworks.

9. First bike.

10. Sand burial.

Please feel free to add your favorites...

TOP 10 THINGS THAT PARENTS DO THAT PISS ME OFF

I've always been very sensitive to aggression. It doesn't matter if it's a bar fight or a boxing match, I look in horror and almost always cry afterwards. Not because I am scared, but because someone is getting hurt. Recently, photographers caught Liv Tyler getting in a fight with a woman at the playground. Apparently, the woman was smacking a toddler and screaming at him. I started to think how many times I wanted to say something, but felt like it was not my place. So here are things that piss me off...just in case I didn't say it to your face.

1. Hitting a child.

2. Hitting a child.

3. Hitting a child.

4. Smoking at the playground.

5. Threatening over and over again with no visible results.

6. Screaming and cursing.

7. Talking on a cell phone for HOURS.

8. Belittling your child in manner of "Why are you so stupid?"

9. Calling your child names.

10. Not noticing when they are trying so desperately to be good so they can get your attention.

TOP 10 REASONS WHY MY HUSBAND IS OFFICIALLY THE BEST DAD EVER.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY LANE!

1. I strongly believe that in the last year he changed more diapers than I have. He is on a constant mission of keeping her dry. He takes 20 minutes to change one diaper, but does it with such attention to detail that it should be posted on his resume.

2. If she wakes up at night, he comforts her, so I can function at work. When I attempt to help, he kicks me out of the nursery over and over again.

3. He takes her to daycare and picks her up even thou it's a 20 minute walk one way. I know every woman in the neighborhood blushes with envy when he strolls proudly with his little girl. 

4. He shaves just so that he can give her kisses without hurting her.

5. He washes her bottles so meticulously that you would think they were dropped off at the nuclear waste plant instead of daycare.

6. His eyes light up every time he talks about "his girls".

7. He is on her constant snot control, always armed with Kleenexes, q-tips and snot suckers.

8. He takes her to the park and follows her around like a fool. One day I watched them secretly and wondered what I did to deserve someone so awesome.

9. He doesn't spend weekends drinking beer and watching football. He just hangs out with us ready to help at any given moment.

10. With everything he does, he humbly would deny every compliment about his parenting skills and secretly thinks that he sucks as a dad.

TOP 10 THINGS I WILL NOT MISS ABOUT BABYHOOD.

Well, Amelie is turning 1 soon and I cannot be happier. Althou I am a  huge fan of my girl, I was not a fan of the baby stage. Of course I will miss her baby smell, morning sweet breath on my face and her tiny little hand repeatedly pulling on my arm as I am feeding her the bottle, but here are some things I can defiantly live without.:) 

1. Anything that is associated with the word or sound of "colic".

2. Worrying about SIDS.

3. Cleaning 34825662 Dr. Brown Bottles. They have more parts than NASA shuttle.

4. Trying to open any door while holding her in one arm with 3 bags in the other.

5. Examining her shit like it's some kind of scientific project.

6. Soothers and their creepy lullabies songs.

7. Waking up EVERY time just as I drift into a deep sleep.

8. Stupid baby milestones and questions and expectations that come with it.

9. Reading all those baby books and realizing that 90% of them are bull shit.

10. Folding those tiny tiny onesies, 100s of them.

TOP 10 KID MOVIES OF ALL TIMES ...IN MY HUMBLE OPINION

1. ET

2. Ratatouille

3. Wall-E

4. Star Wars

5. Wallace and Gromit: Curse of Were-Rabbit

6. Chicken Run

7. Finding Nemo

8. The Incredibles

9. Edward Scissorhands

10. Amelie

CAN'T WAIT to see "Up"

TOP 10 WAYS SOME EXTRA MONEY WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE. FUCK YOU RECESSION.

1. Ordering take out instead of running home after work, clipping coupons, running to the store with a stroller, waiting in line, cooking dinners 4 days in advance...

2. Have someone clean my house once a week instead of nightly entertainment of watching my daughter eat dog's hair balls.

3. Seeing a movie in a movie theater with popcorn and a coke.

4. Having my laundry done. How do they fold it so perfectly and make it smell like spring?

5. Having my eyebrows done, instead of ripping half of it myself with my coordination handicap.

6. Getting membership to Apple Seeds http://www.appleseedsnyc.com/

7. Getting a haircut after 3 years of putting my hair up. Messy hair bun is not a style.

8. Buying toys for my daughter instead of taking her to Toys R Us, letting her play with them and then putting them back.

9. Going on vacation further than my back yard.

10. Massage by a guy named Sven.

With all that said...I am the happiest just being healthy and loved. I don't need all this other crap.:)

TOP 10 REASONS WHY BEING AN OLDER MOTHER KICKS ASS

1. My body was going to shit as it is, pregnancy just gave it a little push.

2. Instead of losing it completely for the first 6 weeks of babyhood in my 20s, I only had a few complete nervous breakdowns in my 30s.

3. I had 10 years to make sure that my husband will make a decent father and not leave me with a colicy baby to do shots at a local "Hooters" 

4. I stopped wishing of being a celebrity, model or a rich heiress and was happy just being healthy and loved. 

5. By 30s everything that needed to be, was out of my system.

6. I never wanted to be my daughter's "best girlfriend" Lindsay Lohan style. 

7. I appreciate the miracle of having healthy turkey ball of a child so much more and therefore welcome the work that comes with it.

8. I will never be able to nag my daughter with "When I was your age.." because I will simply not remember.

9. Flirting with her future boyfriends would be over the top disgusting, especially since she will start dating at 30.

10. When I pick her up from school in the future, parents will whisper "Her grandmother surely IS hot".

TOP 10 THINGS I THOUGHT ABOUT KIDS BEFORE I BECAME A PARENT

1. They slept a lot and late. I got to wake THEM up and then relax on the bed for hours of parenting bliss.

2. They slept in their cribs OF COURSE. Where else?

3. They cooed.

4. They had teeth from the second they came out.

5. They sat and played quietly while I read a world history book.

6. They stared lovenly into my eyes as we both rocked in a hammock for hours.

7. They talked full sentences around 6 months.

8. They stayed in restricted safe area without any problems.

9. They never threw tantrums. Only spoiled kids with bad parents do that.

10. They let me have perfect hair, SKIRT and manicured nails, like moms in diaper commercials do.

TOP 10 THINGS YOU DO NOW THAT MELT MY HEART.

1. Attachment to my leg no matter where I am standing.

2. Your little silly dance when ice cream truck passes by.

3. The look of mischief on your face as you destroy something of value.

4. Shut lip cry when you don't want to eat anymore.

5. Conversations with Baby Einstein puppets on TV.

6. First "hug" in the morning.

7. Your naked butt crawling away as I am trying to change your diaper.

8. Sleepy, continuous eye rub right before your bed time.

9. Your warm, sweet smelling hands playing with my necklace.

10. The way your lips smack around when you sleep.

TOP 10 WAYS NOT TO SUCK AT YOUR JOB WHEN YOU GROW UP (from what I hear:))

1. Pick a hobby. Get passionate about it. Figure out how to make money with it.
2. Intern. It will give you experience and feel of the company.
3. NEVER complain about your work load. Nobody cares. People just want their shit done.
4. Be nice to all the assistants, mail room staff, IT guys and receptionists. They know everything and will help you if needed. Buy them lunch..and often.:)
5. Don't sleep with your co-workers...unless you are directing Johnny Depp movie.
6. Don't discuss your personal life. The less people know about you, the more intimidating you are appear to be.
7. Don't kiss your boss's ass. It's uncomfortable for both of you. Just do you job ridiculously well.
8. Ask for a raise...if you deserve it. Always have plan B just in case.
9. Educate yourself constantly in your field. Attend seminars, classes and read as much as you can.
10. Contacts. Use them and return every phone call you receive.
10 1/2. If all fails... go on reality show, make tons of money and retire.

TOP 10 REASONS MY PAPA HAS MY HEART

1. He never made fun of me for screaming in bloody murder at night terrorised by my imagination. Instead, he calmly checked every corner of my room for 3 headed monsters.

2. He taught me how to appreciate jazz and didn't kill me when I decided to use his priceless record collection as a sliding floor toy.

3. He has unspeakable warm light in his eyes. The same light that I find in my husband's eyes.

4. He confesses love for my mother daily and makes me nausiated with his talks of her "hotness". Once he promised me that he will drink himself to death if anything ever happened to her. He is so dramatically Russian.

5. When I left for America, he kept photo album of my pictures under his pillow and looked at them nightly to wish me good night..

6. He is never afraid to cry if he is moved by something.

7. He repeatedly makes a complete ass out of himself just to hear me crack up.

8. He makes the best steak that I have ever tasted.

9. He invented a phrase "There are no ugly women. There are just men without imagination". Sadly, he often said it to me.:)

10. He wears suspenders and misses two front teeth.